This is Your Brain on Stress

"I can't stand it when....What if.....I'm trapped.....I'll never have....Oh, my God....this is awful!" This is what worry, anxiety, fear and pessimism sound like in your head. This is your brain on stress. Actually, this is your brain producing your stress.

Yes, it's your thoughts, your perceptions, assumptions and interpretations of life's situations that actually cause stress and NOT the situations (or people) themselves. Therefore, the way to reduce stress is to become aware of your stress-producing thoughts, learn to "turn down the emotional volume" or change the channel altogether on those thoughts. I'll describe this in a minute.

But first, you have to realize that your thoughts are not all TRUTH. Just because you can think something doesn't make it true...well, it might bring it about, but that's another story. You have to begin to put some "wiggle room" in your thinking, loosen your grip on your assumptions and allow yourself to modify your thoughts. I used to have a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Don't believe everything you think." That's the place to start.

The more rigidly you hold to a certain thought and the more you repeat it mentally, it becomes harder to change. Through sheer repetition you've worn a groove in your brain and have mistaken that groove for reality. I had a friend, another therapist, who once said, "If you're going to assume something about a situation, why not assume something that flatters you?"

So let's take some examples. Try changing "I can't stand it when..." to "I really don't like it when...." Just that subtle change turns down the emotional volume or intensity of that thought. The reality is you CAN stand it and probably have stood it for a long time, but not without complaining to yourself or others. What you're really saying is, "I don't like it!"

Next, let's take a worrisome thought. These usually come in the form of some sort of catastrophizing and start with "Oh, my God, what if I don't get that job promotion? I won't be able to deal with it. I'll get so depressed, lose the job I do have. Then we'll lose the house, end up homeless, and die alone on the street." It takes just as much energy to think, "Oh, my God, what if I DO get that job promotion?" Then you can spend your time focusing on how you're going to enjoy the new challenge, become a stronger person, gain the respect of family and friends, etc.

What I've noticed about people who are worriers is that a) they have a very active, vivid imagination, but they tend to use it only on negative scenarios. I think of worry as something akin to a Superpower. If you can imagine something going wrong in vivid detail, you can harness that same ability and use it for good....imagine things going right instead. Each outcome is equally as likely to occur and your positive expectation might actually tip the scales in your favor.

Now, if your thinking goes repeatedly to thoughts like, "I will never have the car/job/love/house that I want" that will become your reality because we act on what we believe. You won't even try to have or achieve those things because your thoughts have already taken you out of the game. To save face, you'll make excuses instead. "I'm just not driven/smart/attractive enough." Here's a clinical term, Hogwash! You never know until you try and you won't try if you believe you can't have what you want. I think it was Henry Ford who said, "Whether You Think You Can or Can't, You're Right."

Now for the "awfulizing." Again, that's an emotionally intense thought. Awful is in the mind of the beholder. Can you think of some food you dislike and then think of someone who loves that same dish? Can you think of some music you hate and then think of someone who loves it? Sure you can. This is an example of perspective taking. Things are only as awful as you think they are. If the "awful" thought is something like, "It's awful that my son didn't make the basketball team" try changing it to "it's great that he tried out and that he'll continue to improve until he does make the team. It's great that he has goals and ambitions."

Finally, for those situations where you think you are "trapped" or have no choice. You always have and always are making choices. Your choice might be to stay in a situation that isn't pleasant or healthy for you. Why you're choosing to stay is because you either don't see or don't like the alternatives. Maybe you choose to stay at a job you hate because it pays alot of money and you don't know how you'd replace that income. Maybe you stay in an abusive relationship because you don't like the alternative of breaking up, being alone, or starting over with someone new. Either way, you're not "trapped." You just don't see alternatives or don't want to choose something else right now.

In conclusion, be careful what you think. I could be a hazard to your mental health.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and motivational speaker.
www.EnterTrainingSeminars.com

Blame: Two Can Play That Game

Why do we always look for someone or something to blame when we are hurt, upset or frustrated? Why is laying fault the first thing on someone's mind when bad things happen? Does there always have to be an aggressor and a victim in every interaction that doesn't go the way one or the other party wants it to? Is retribution the best response to harm or hurt? (It seems to me this could apply both to individual persons, as well as entire nations.)

If we could get inside the mind of someone who constantly blames others (whether they are the aggressor or the victim) this might be the unconscious thought process: "I blame you for my choices and deny that I had other options or choices to make. I am going to react and get rid of this awful feeling as quickly as I can. I don't want to acknowledge that I had my part in making this situation go poorly. I don't want to look at my own behavior or own the negative results I get in life. I want to find fault and blame someone else because I don't want to feel bad about myself or have to make difficult changes or face my fears. I don't want to look at the fact that my behavior has hurt other contributed to my own hurt. I want to say, ‘you made me do it!’

So, I will blame you or circumstances for my drinking, overeating, rages, hitting, infidelity, and lying. I justify it to myself by saying, 'If only you wouldn't have done ________, I wouldn't have done what I did. Look what you made me do!'

In my worldview, retaliation for hurt or harm is justifiable. I don't acknowledge that I am hurt and seek solace, comfort or understanding. Maybe I don't know how. Maybe I see that as weak. Nor do I seek to negotiate for a more satisfying outcome, talk to you about how your behavior has affected me, or courageously remove myself from a toxic situation. Instead I blame you and feel like a helpless victim. I label you as "lazy, unloving, irritating, frigid, weak, irresponsible, evil, unfit, stupid, or crazy." I cover up and attempt to assuage my hurt or fear with violence, self-righteous anger, or self-defeating behaviors, instead of forgiveness, understanding or assertiveness.

I wear my victim stature outwardly. I protest is loudly to my friends and family, seeking their sympathy, asking them to choose sides against you and agree with me that you are bad, that YOU are to blame. Everybody thinks I am a saint (except those who secretly think I'm a fool) for putting up with this!”

As I write this I am keenly aware that everybody loses in this kind of interaction. There is no accountability, no responsibility, no integrity. In the “blame game” it becomes difficult to tell the aggressors from the victims after awhile, as both are pointing fingers at the other and saying, “she/he did that to me! Everybody feel sorry for me!” Without personal accountability and responsibility, without stopping to consider how your actions contributed to the unsatisfactory outcome you’re experiencing, where that’s the bombing of the World Trade Center or the fact that you just bounced another check in the family checkbook, the cycle just continues. There’s no stopping it until someone takes responsibility for their behavior and says, “Yes, this part was my doing. I did that to you because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t’ want to look at myself and acknowledge my hurt, fear, frustration or my incorrect assumptions. I didn’t want to take the time to listen and respond after some consideration of your side. I just reacted.

Seems to me if we all did this, there's be alot more peace in the world!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.
Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

No Guarantees

When we are struggling to make a decision about something important that will affect the course of our lives, wouldn't it be great to have a guarantee that everything will work out the way we hoped? I often wish that a deep voice would boom down from the heavens telling me exactly what I should do....the RIGHT thing to do. No such luck! The most I can count on to guide my decision-making is that "still small voice" inside me which insists, "Push the envelop. Go for the gusto. Reach for your dreams. Experiment with life. See what might happen." Sometimes I wish that little voice would shut up or I pretend I'm hard of hearing or otherwise occupied!

Making decisions is hard. Implementing them is sometimes harder. It upsets the apple cart. It ushers in change. When I hear people say that they "hate" change, I suspect what they mean is either they "hate" a change that THEY didn't choose, or that change scares them, makes them feel inadequate, or taxes their ability to cope. I don't hate change. I hate waiting to see how things will turn out once I make a decision. I'm impatient. I have to learn to take action and let go of the outcome.

So we should get a guarantee on the front end, right? No way. If everything turned out the way we hoped it would, we'd never learn anything new, never gain new skills and abilities, and never meet new challenges that will grow our confidence.

Yes, it's stressful to change, but change is a fact of life. We can either roll with life's punches, only reacting to what life throws our way - bobbing and weaving in an attempt to stay out of reach of real danger - or we can set our own course and respond to the winds of change by making calculated adjustments as we go. Do you react to life or respond to it?

Life is calling. What will your answer be? What are you being called to do or be in this life? In Greg Levoy's book, Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, he says, "Our own unfolding requires that we be in constant dialogue with it." He goes on to discuss the importance of discernment, which he says is a path between these two questions: "What is right for me?" and "Where am I willilng to be led?"

Such ponderings may bring up questions of meaning. "What does my life mean? What do I want it to mean? Does life have any meaning?" The famed mythologist, Joseph Campbell said,"People say that what we are all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we are really seeking. I think what we are seeking is the experience of being alive...the rapture of being alive." Wow! If Emerson was right, that the mass of men lead lives of silent despair, then who among us has the courage to break out of that and seek the rapture of being alive? To do so we have to be willing to wake up to the state of our lives, assess where we want to go, figure out where our passions are and make the changes necessary to get there.

Passion? That ought to be fun. Well, not always. Passion is derived from the Latin word, passio, which means suffering. According to Levoy, the reason most of us don't pursue our dreams is because we instinctively know the price we'll have to pay to do so. Following one's passion could be like opening Pandora's box. It can release all sorts of trouble into your life. However, the last thing that is released into the world from Pandora's box is what we all need in life.....hope!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Change Your Mind, Change Your Game

On Saturday Night Live a few years ago, there was a character named Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken, who closed his skit each time with the affirmations, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!" The audience would ripple with laughter.

Although all the success books talk about using affirmations to increase positive thinking, most of us don't follow through with the standard protocol needed to make affirmations work. Why? I suspect that there are a couple of reasons; 1) because most people don't know how to create proper affirmations and 2) there is a natural resistance that makes practicing affirmations feel uncomfortable or downright ridiculous. No one wants to continue doing something that makes them uncomfortable. In other words we mentally resist changing how we think of ourselves and what's possible in our lives. Old habits die hard and they put up a fight first!

As a therapist, I've not been a fan of affirmations because my clients were heavily resistant to doing them. It was hard for me to "sell" them on the ideas because I was ambivalent about them myself until I learned EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). For those of you who've read my column regularly, you know that EFT is a form of psychological acupressure, used to remove negative emotional states, such as fear, anxiety, anger, shame and guilt. I think of it as an "erasure" for negative feelings, stress and tension.

One of the things that EFT does is remove psychological resistance to new ideas, so I decided to try an experiment. I wanted to test to see if I could use EFT to "install" positive beliefs using affirmations. As with many techniques I recommend to clients, I try them out myself first. So I made a list of about 20 affirmations that I didn't currently believe. I also threw in a few that I never thought I'd believe, like, "Large sums of money come to me quickly and easily." I recorded all of these affirmations and burned a CD, so I could play them in the car. As I began repeating the affirmations, I used the EFT tapping to remove any psychological resistance to accepting the positive thoughts.

Now, here's where it gets wild. Within only a few weeks of occasional use of the CD and EFT combination, I noticed that I truly accepted about 85% of the new beliefs. That was amazing to me. And, it gets better! Things started to manifest.

Out of the blue, several thousand dollars came to me in the form of an unexpected inheritance and a couple of refund checks from insurance carriers. This past spring I signed a contract with a single client in my other business for twice the money that I usually make in an entire year from all my clients in that business. Although these results seem miraculous, this is what is predicted to happen when you change your thoughts and expectations about what is possible. My test was a huge success.

Here's the most recent experiment I tried using EFT to create positive expectations and positive results. I've never been on a golf course in my life and only held a golf club in my hand once before -- on a putt-putt golf course. Last weekend I was at a networking meeting that combined a luncheon and a golf lesson afterwards. Since I knew the power of EFT to assist athletes improve their performance in almost any sport, I decided to do alittle EFT tapping before my golf lesson. I focused on removing my nervousness and neutralized the fear that I wouldn't be able to chip well and would end up looking like a fool.

After the pro showed me how to hold the club, take my stance, address the ball and follow through to chip from the rough onto the green, I started chipping. No, lie....3 balls hit the flag. The majority of the rest were within 6 inches of the cup. Not having golfed before, I watched the shots and listened to the comments of those players who did. I heard a flurry of frustrations, comments about the club and the effects of the heat on their concentration. Their shots were all over the place.

In my mind, I was having a great time because after each shot, I thought, "that was good. The next will be better." I'd correct my stance and swing and off we'd go. Before I used the EFT I wanted just to avoid embarrassment. Afterwards I was thinking, "what a fun game!" and looking forward to my next lesson. That was another miracle to me. I am eager to work with other athletes using EFT to improve their mental game.

10 Golfers Wanted! Do you want to knock strokes off your golf game? Participate in our FREE study. Learn to relax and remove self-doubt in your game using EFT. Call 618-549-5935 to sign up.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Schmoozing 101: The Art of Casual Conversation

Social anxiety is one of the more common stressors. We feel awkward, embarrassed, uncomfortable or plain fearful of approaching others. Thoughts that fuel such fears might include: "I'm just not good at talking to people. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm stupid/unattractive/? I couldn't stand it if I got rejected. I don't know what to say. What if I come across as desperate or needy? They couldn't possibly be interested in me! What if I say the wrong thing? Besides, if they really got to know me, they won't like me."

Well, unless you plan to be a hermit all your life, you can learn to feel comfortable approaching others. Learning to meet people, for the purpose of work, friendship or dating, doesn't have to feel like someone is scraping their fingernails across a chalkboard. It's a set of skills that can be learned, starting with getting rid of the "what if's" and negative expectations.

Here's a way to start: Try changing all you're "what if's" to the opposite of what your fear says. Using the examples above, let's change them to: "What if they do like me? What if they think I'm brilliant and fabulous looking? What if I come across as confident and interesting? What if I say all the right things?" Heady stuff, huh? How would you feel walking into a room full of strangers with these thoughts in your head?

Now, let's take the negative self-talk and turn that around. It now becomes, "I'm great at talking to people because I'm a good listener. If I think I'm being rejected, which might just mean they aren't interested in me at the moment, I'll just move on to the next person. If I don't know what to say, I'll ask them to tell me about themselves. I'm an interesting person and I show it by being interested in others. Besides, if they really got to know me, they will LOVE me."

So once you get a positive mindset, your confidence is starting to grow. What you believe, you perceive. So, the next step is to learn to make "small talk." Small talk is light topical conversation that gets you into a conversation and allows you to "feel out" the situation to see who is receptive. Good conversations starters don't have to be polished, clever or smooth. In fact, just ordinary openers work the best. Try walking up to a group of strangers at a networking event or party and just listen for a minute to see what the conversation is about. Join in with a simple comment followed by a question (to move the conversation forward). For example, if you approach a group of business people at a networking event and hear them talking about the effect of the rising cost of gas on their businesses, you might join the conversation by saying, "I'm glad to hear someone is discussing how this affects business. What are you doing to handle this?" Perhaps you're standing in line at a concert and there's a very attractive person talking with their friends ahead of you. You could enter the conversation again, with a comment and a question, such as, "I'm very excited to see this band. How long do you think we'll be waiting before they let us in?" These kind of comments, followed by a specific question are much better conversation starters than more vague questions like, "what's new?" or "what's happening?"

If you have social anxiety, I can imagine your next thought, "Sure, then WHAT?" Then what you need to know how to do is keep the conversation going. There was a book out a long time ago (1974) called, "What Do You Say After You Say Hello." That's where alot of people get stuck. I always advise, "when in doubt, listen." To keep a conversation going, some very simple statements like, "that's very interesting; tell me more" is a great one. Or, "Wow, you really are brilliant. What else do you think?" Or, "I am fascinated by this topic. Please go on." All can be the bridge to keep conversation flowing. All you have to do is throw one of these in, then listen and smile, nodding appreciatively and/or look thoughtful or fascinated.

Okay, now you've gotten yourself into a conversation with new people, you know how to move it forward. The next skill to develop is to pick up on social cues, like gestures, tone of voice and body language. If you enter a new group of people and start a conversation and no one stops talking to respond to you, or if no one makes eye contact to acknowledge that you are there even after you speak up, it might be time to politely excuse yourself and move to the next group of people. A nice exit line might be, "Excuse me, I see some friends I need to talk to."

Finally, besides knowing how to get others to talk about themselves, you need know how to talk about yourself. I'd suggest starting out with commonalities, or what I call the "me too's!" If in the course of the conversation, someone mentions that they like a certain style of music that you also love, throw in a "me too!" and tell them what you love about that. This builds rapport and a sense of connection because you're pointing out commonalities. Don't just state the facts, but throw in how you feel about the music. For example, I LOVE the Beatles! Paul was my favorite Beatle. He's so cute and his voice just sends me. Who was yours?"

When you get this far and practice, practice, practice, you will notice that your social anxiety will become a distant memory. Act on your fear and it will disappear.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Self Esteem, Stress and Success Connection

People with high self-esteem are more resilient and stress resistant in life. They bounce back faster after difficulties. Why? Because they tend to see the cause of difficulties as something outside of themselves, not something that happened to them because they were "bad" or "not good enough." They also know that difficult times are part of life and that "this too shall pass."

People with high self-esteem tend to be more successful, because they believe in themselves and their ability to set and reach goals. People with high self-esteem are fun to be around. Because of their positive outlook, they attract people who want to be their friend and to help them succeed. Face it, it's much more fun to be around someone who likes themselves and believes in themselves than someone who doesn't. In fact, it can be inspirational.

Self-esteem is not something static. It can be changed and improved. If you came out of childhood, or a bad relationship, not feeling good about or confident in yourself, you're not doomed to a life of low self-esteem. It's not like you get one shot at having high self-esteem and if it wasn't nurtured in you in the past that's all you get. It's a dynamic process that can be affected by what you do, how you think and who you surround yourself with.

Here's how psychologists think self-esteem is formed and can be developed. As children, we're little sponges. We're constantly learning who we are and what we are capable of by our interaction with others and the environment. If the feedback we are getting consistently from others and from the environment is negative or critical, we're going to conclude that we're not very good, lovable, or capable. We start to see ourselves as others see us and because we're children, who lack critical thinking skills and the ability to take a different perspective, we don't question that. We just accept it as the Truth. If we're getting feedback that is positive and that helps us to realistically appraise our abilities, we're going to conclude that we must be good, lovable and capable. In both cases, we form a picture or appraisal of our self-worth based on what others tell us and the feedback we get from our interaction with the environment.

Fortunately or unfortunately, that unexamined appraisal continues to influence what we do, how we think, and who we surround ourselves with throughout life. Whether you have high self-esteem or low self-esteem, you will be drawn to situations and people who reinforce what you already believe about yourself. If you have low self-esteem, you may not set high goals for yourself because you don't think you can accomplish them. You may not seek out more loving relationships because you don't know what those are like. You think that other people are just better or more worthy than you to have all the good things in life, so you don't try.

It's not the circumstances of your past that limit your success. It's what you choose to and continue to believe about yourself. Look at Oprah or Maya Angelou. They didn't have the greatest childhoods, yet both went on to become successful and renowned. They found a way to grow their self-esteem.

Here's one way to get started moving your self-esteem in a positive direction. Whenever you find yourself thinking, "What's WRONG with me that I ____________?" turn the question on it's ear and ask yourself this instead, "What's RIGHT with me that I __________?" For example, instead of asking yourself, "what's wrong with me that I can't be happy with what I have?" Ask yourself, "what's RIGHT with me that I'm not happy with what I have?" Maybe you'll find that behind your unhappiness is an unfulfilled dream that you need to pay attention to and start putting some energy into realizing. Maybe you'll find that what you have isn't what you really want and that you want something different or better. Maybe you'll find that your unhappiness is a signal that you have simply grown to a different level and you value different things now.

Try it and share with us what strengths you uncover about yourself that you hadn't acknowledged before.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Get Your Mojo from Joe Campbell

One of my heroes is Joseph Campbell, who studied and taught mythology. His seminal work was "A Hero with a Thousand Faces" first published in 1949. You might be familiar with him from a PBS series he taped with Bill Moyers called, "The Power of Myth." In both he talks about the journey of the hero.

The journey of the hero is applicable to business, especially leadership and achieving success. I see the steps or stages along the journey as providing the perfect road map for achieving any goal or providing visionary leadership.

First of all, there's separation and the call to adventure. Campbell says you receive the call in one of two ways: you'll either actively choose the adventure, or you can get dragged into it kicking and screaming. Was it Shakespeare who said, "Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them"? Same idea. Basically, you choose to or are pulled away from what is familiar and head off into the unknown.

Then once you've embarked on the journey the first thing you encounter are fears and doubts. In Campbell's stages this is where you meet the "hounds of hell," the guardians of the gates to the underworld where you need to descent to bring back the needed treasure, often hidden knowledge. I think of this stage as the initiation stage. What it does is test you to see if you're serious about this goal or endeavor. Seeking success or leading organizations is not for the timid! I suspect this is the "weed out" stage for alot of people. The task here is to not stare directly at the "hounds of hell." In other words, know that this is just a stage on the journey, and don't put alot of energy into feeding the doubts and fears. Pat them on the head, throw them a bone and move on.

The good news is that this is also the stage where in mythological terms you encounter "divine intervention." In other words, you find unexpected assistance that will aid you in your journey. My favorite Joseph Campbell quote is "Follow your bliss....If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else."

What I've learned about this stage is this help can be hastened if you ask directly for it or if you simply share your dreams, visions or goal with others. Eventually, if you talk it up enough, you'll meet someone who will be able to help you. To be a visionary leader, it's not enough just to formulate the vision, you have to share it and in doing so, enlist the assistance of others to help fulfill the dream. So, don't be shy about sharing your dreams.

So what kind of "divine intervention" has come into your life just when you were being torn apart by the doubts and fears?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

How to Get What You Want

As a therapist and corporate trainer, I am privy to the inner workings of the lives of many people. One of the things that amazes me is how many people are using outdated or incorrect assumptions about themselves and the world that disempower them, reduce their effectiveness, and sustain misery in their lives.

The theme I'd like to address today is not asking for what you want. To me, learning to ask directly and effectively for what you want is one of the joys and responsibilities of adulthood. As infants, it's more likely that our wants and needs were met without us having to ask, and were only limited by the resources and circumstances of the families and communities in which we were raised. If the limitations were severe, it's likely that after awhile you came to see the entire world as a place of limited resources. You might have concluded that either you were not entitled to what little was available to that there wasn't alot to get. "Why ask, if you're not going to get it anyhow?" may have become your overriding assumption and life script.

When people come for therapy, the first questions I ask are "what do you want?" or "what do you want out of life? " Sadly, these questions often stump people. They might muster up a desire to "be happy" or have "less stress." These vague responses suggest that part of their problem is that they haven't adequately addressed these very basic issues of taking full responsibility for their lives and acting as an agent on their own behalf. It could be that is because of an assumption that "this is just the way life is" or "this is just the way MY life is." Either way, I'm here to challenge that. By asking people to step outside of the box of their assumptions about themselves and what life has to offer, I've already started moving them towards a more empowered stance in life. When you can conceive of things being different or better, you're much more likely to ask for what you want and much more likely to get it than waiting and hoping that it will "just happen."

Let's look at some common barrier to asking for what you want. First, you don't ask for what you want because you don't know what you want, as discussed above. Sit down with a sheet of paper and start making a list of all the things you ever wanted or thought to want out of life. Don't censor or pause. Just start writing as fast a you can. Your list might include desires for love, money, family, career, travel, spiritual growth, friends, or leisure activities. Just let your imagination run wild. Post your list somewhere and review it regularly. Make a plan. Start asking for what you want. Start telling people of your wants and dreams.

Second, you might not ask for what you want because you automatically assume you won't get it or because you asked ONE TIME before and didn't get it. If you don't ever ask for what you want, you're guaranteed not to get it. Have you ever thought to yourself, "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want. If he/she loved me, they'd know." Phooey! This is an erroneous, outdated assumption that causes alot of problems between spouses/partners. Not having to ask for what you want only works for infants. Even then, the wail and cry until someone figures it out. Don't make others guess. Use your words. Ask repeatedly. Try, try again.

Third, you may not ask for what you want because you assume that it either isn't available or possible. This is like living with blinders on. How do you know until you ask? Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen, in their book about asking for what you want, The Aladdin Factor, say successful people "Ask, ask, ask!" Ask for what you want and keep asking until you find someone who can and will give you what you want.

Fourth, you may not ask for what you want because of low self-esteem. You may think that you are not worthy of good things or that other people's needs are more important than your own. You may think it's "selfish" to ask for what you want. Or you may fear that the reason you're not getting what you want out of life is because something deep and dark is wrong with you. To this, I say, get over yourself. You are just as deserving as anyone else on the planet no matter what has happened to you, what's going to happen to you, or how much other people need. You have needs too and it's natural and right to want to meet them. You won't be robbing anyone else. There's enough to go around.

Finally, to get what you want out of life you need to know how to and practice asking for it. You might limit your asking for fear of being seen as "needy." Or you might have been taught that it is "more blessed to give than to receive," so you are great at giving, but lousy at receiving. So, it's time to practice. Jack Canfield advises, ask for what you want in a way that assumes that you're going to get it. For example, when asking for a date, instead of asking, "You wouldn't want to go out with me to a movie on Saturday, would you?" try, "What time Saturday would you be available to go see a movie?" See the difference? The second way of asking assumes a "yes" and it's only a matter of negotiating the time. Practice writing out your requests in a positive way before asking.

In conclusion, my suggestions to those of you reading this article are to 1) figure out what you want, 2) assume what you want is available and possible (hint: if other people have or are doing what you want, it's possible) 3) practice asking for little things (like for change for a dollar from a clerk at Wal-Mart or for someone to help you rehearse how to ask for what you want), and 4) keep asking for what you want (find the right people to ask) until you get it.

Tell us about a time when you successfully asked for what you want and got it!


Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

You're Not the Boss of Me!

I am going to make a radical statement, which is: no one can control you unless you let them. You are always making choices about how to behave, react or respond to others’ behavior. Even in extreme circumstances, if someone has a gun to your head, you still have a choice about how to respond. The safest choice might be to give in temporarily to the demands of the other person to save your life, until you are free and safe again. Then you have another choice to make, which is whether to let a dangerous person have access to you again. Hopefully, most of us won’t ever experience this kind of extreme attempt to influence our behavior.

It is vital to be able to distinguish a request for a behavior change from intimidation. If the majority of requests from a spouse, partner, boss or coworker come with an implied or direct threat, then that is intimidating and should be so noted. Jokes about divorce, threats to your physical being or your children’s safety, firing or demoting you are not funny. They are intimidation tactics and are not to be tolerated.

Face it. We all make requests of others and attempt to influence their behavior because we want people to do what we ask of them. This is not unhealthy or controlling unless force, threat, violence or intimidation are involved. Think about it. We have a whole industry devoted to influencing our behavior. It is called Marketing and Advertising. Do you think of a TV commercial or radio ad as being “controlling”? After all, it is blatantly an attempt to influence your behavior.

On a lesser note, perhaps you have difficulty making choices for yourself or asserting what you really think, feel and want. Perhaps you say, “yes” when you mean, “no,” or “I don’t care where we go to eat” when you really DO have a preference. If this is the case, you are voluntarily giving up your right to have a say in what you do and letting the other person make the decision. If you find yourself resenting that you never get a say, you’d better start speaking up. You also need to figure out why you let others make decisions for you, leaving you to feel disempowered, victimized, resentful, or depressed.

So when your mate says wearily, “All I want is for the house to be clean when I come home” do you hear that as a demand? As an attempt to control you? Could it also be a simple request or the opening to a discussion of how to make that happen? Do you assume that there’s an implied threat in that statement, i.e., “I want the house clean when I come home or else I’ll leave you.” Or do you assume that what they are really saying is, “I want the house clean when I come home and I expect YOU to do it”? What if what it meant was, “I want the house clean when I come home, so I am willing to pay for a housekeeper to come in once a week to do it”? This is where it is important to respond to that statement with a request for clarification or negotiation. You may want that too, but also work full-time and come home exhausted. You will need to discuss this with your mate and figure out a way to make that happen that is satisfactory to both of you. When you speak up, ask for clarification, or negotiate a mutually satisfactory resolution, you are not a victim.

Perhaps you view the statements or requests of others as attempts to control you because you lack the confidence or skill at asserting your true needs, wants and feelings or you assume that when another person expresses a want or a feeling that it is your job automatically to do something about it. If you have a habit of always taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others without them having to ask, or of assuaging the upset feelings of others and not allowing them to develop their own way of calming or soothing themselves, you are not being respectful of them as adults. You are treating them like children and then wonder why they act like spoiled children when you grow tired of or resentful in this role.

Further, if you are the passive partner in a “controlling” relationship, you are also trying to influence the behavior of others. If you cannot gain power and influence directly, by stating your real thoughts, feelings and needs, another less direct way to assert power is by avoidance, passivity, moping, getting drunk or high, and withdrawal of love and affection. It’s a way of saying “no” without having to say it directly. This is not healthy adult interaction.

So whether you are actually involved in a violent or intimidating relationship or you simply lack the skills to say truthfully and directly what you think, feel, and want, it is up to you to understand that you have choices and to get help learning how to make them.

Everybody can learn to be more assertive in their communications. Try it and tell us how it worked!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Getting Rid of Stress By Getting Rid of Clutter

Are you a clutter bug or have difficulty throwing things away? Living with clutter can be stressful. It’s not just about having a neat home to look at. If your home or workplace is orderly and tidy, your stress will be lower. Why? Because you’ll be able to find things more easily, thus saving time and money because you won’t go out and buy things that you already have. Often people whose surroundings are filled with clutter are filled with guilt about it too. So eliminate the clutter and eliminate the guilt. An organized, tidy and beautiful environment is relaxing. Plus, you can have people over for company.

There are two things that lead to a person having a lot of clutter in their environment. The first is what we learned. I grew up in a large family, so we learned early on to keep things tidy. We learned the value of having a routine for cleaning. Every Saturday morning, once we were old enough, we’d have to vacuum and dust our rooms before we could go out to play. We made our beds every morning. We put our dirty clothes in the hamper, never on the floor, and took it to the laundry room when it was full. We learned to fold the laundry and put clean clothes in our closet or bureau drawers as soon as they came out of the dryer. We cleared the table at the end of every meal and washed, dried, and put away the dishes. Groceries were put away as soon as they were brought into the house. Mail was opened and sorted immediately. Things didn’t sit and wait until later. “Everything has a place and everything in its place,” was my Mother’s motto.

I took it for granted that everyone lived this way. I know people who learned to be messy and disorganized in the same way that I learned to be neat and organized. They learned behaviors and attitudes that can be summed up as, “I’ll take care of that later” or “what does it matter if I take care of my things or not” or “if I can’t find it, I’ll just buy a new one.”

A second cause for having a lot of clutter and difficulty organizing one’s environment is Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD. Characteristics of ADD include: difficulty concentrating, distractibility, impulsive behavior, excessive daydreaming, and a proclivity for procrastination. It manifests outwardly in difficulty keeping your environment organized, difficulty finishing a thought to its logical conclusion. In conversation, people with ADD will get off and a tangent, then tell you infinite detail about that, then switch topics to something else that doesn’t even seem connected.

My ADD clients talk about having stacks of unopened mail, being late for appointments or for paying their bills, unbalanced checkbook leading to overdrafts, having piles of clean and dirty clothes lying mixed up on the floor, and having so much “stuff” filling up their homes that they literally would have to make a path through their living rooms. Consequently they were too ashamed to invite people to their homes. Without knowing that they have a treatable syndrome, often times people with undiagnosed ADD think they are lazy or stupid and suffer from low self-esteem.

Fortunately, you can learn strategies to organize your environment. These are similar strategies that someone who grew up without a mother like mine can learn. There are so many tools to help you get and stay organized. The simplest tool is making short “ta da” lists. When you complete a task, cross it off the list and say “Ta Da!”. Then throw away the list when you’re finished. Don’t have several lists going at one time. It will overwhelm you. Many ADD people make long lists, then get distracted and don’t finish them, thus feeling discouraged. When you finish a task, give yourself a compliment. Doing “work” without a reward isn’t a lot of fun. Remember to reward yourself.

Another idea for organizing your life and environment is purchasing a filing system, date book, clothes hamper, hangars, and see through bins to store things. Find or create a way to label your shelves and bins at home and just put the stuff that belongs there into the bin. Then when you use something from that shelf or bin, return it there as soon as you’re done using it. Don’t throw it on the floor or dining room table and tell yourself you’ll put it away later. Chances are you won’t.

A date book is an essential tool for staying organized. Write everything in your date book. Get several colored highlighters to indicate the difference between different types of appointments or tasks. Sometimes a visual reminder of an appointment is helpful. Other people also set alarms on their cell phones or PDA’s to remind them 15-30 minutes prior to an important appointment.
If you have piles of old mail, take 5 minutes a day to sort through it. Sit right next to a garbage can while you’re doing the sorting and toss out junk mail immediately. No, you don’t have to open and read everything that is obviously junk mail. Eventually, you will get to the bottom of the pile.

Once the pile is gone you can start getting into the habit of sorting your mail as you are walking in from the mailbox. Immediately throw away the junk mail, open the bills, determine which ones need to be paid and when. Then either pay them right away, or file them in a system that alerts you to when they are due. You could use red file folders for bills that need to be paid this week and blue file folders for things that don’t need your attention until the end of the month. Then write on a calendar a deadline to pay those bills. Usually plan to mail them at least 3-7 days ahead of the due date.

There are lots of ways to get organized. The final tip is to get rid of stuff you don’t use. It helps to change the assumption, “this is still good, I may need it someday” to “I haven’t used this in 6 months, I’ll give it to someone who can use it.” A great idea for getting decluttered is to create 3 piles as you’re sorting through stuff. Those piles are 1)Keep and put away 2) give away and 3)throw away. If you have difficulty figuring this out, get one of your organized friends to come over and help you. That’s what friends are for!

Think about how much time you waste trying to find things. What's your favorite strategy for getting organized and decluttering?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Perils of People Pleasing

Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel guilty or “selfish” when saying, “no” to other’s requests? Do you put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own in the hopes that they will like you or they will put your needs as their top priority? Do you worry about hurting other people’s feelings if you cannot do what they want you to do? If so, you are a people pleaser and are probably on the way to depression, anxiety, or resentment.

Eleanor Roosevelt was once quoted as saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If you are a people pleaser, it’s likely you struggle with low self-esteem. If you will inconvenience yourself to try to please others, you don’t value your own goals and priorities. If you don’t respect the use of your own time, no one else will either.

I’ve said it before, but it bears saying again: ‘No’ is the most powerful word in the human language. When you can comfortably say, “No” to requests for your time, energy, ideas, and money, you gain the respect of others because you respect yourself and have good boundaries.
You are not a people pleaser when you have a solid “No” and a solid “Yes.” What I mean by that is that you can stick to your guns and hold to your “Yes” or “No.” When you can’t yet say, “No” comfortably, there’s no joy in the giving. Eventually you will feel burdened and resentful of the responsibilities you’ve taken on. You may want to blame or be angry at the other person who pressed you for your help, but you really did this to yourself. No one held a gun to your head when asking you to bake cookies for the church bake sale or coach the Little League again this year. Sure, they may have used flattery, i.e. “but you’re so GOOD at this!” Or, they may have used guilt, i.e. “but there’s NOBODY else to do this!”

Rather than succumb to the pressures of flattery or guilt, you could practice saying “No” gracefully. To flattery, you might respond, “Yes, you’re right. I am good at this; however, I want to give someone else an opportunity to shine while I take on other challenges.” To guilt, you might respond, “I know you’ve come to rely on me, and I am sure that when I step aside someone else, equally as capable, will step up to the challenge. Have you thought of asking _____________?” Or, if someone just makes a straightforward request, but it’s at a time that’s inconvenient for you, you might respond, “I’d love to help, but this is not a good time for me, as I already have plans.” And, if you are not busy and you just don’t want to comply with a request, you could always say, “I know you need help, but I am unable to help at this time.” PERIOD. You don’t need to make something up to justify when you don’t want to help. Not wanting to is reason enough. If they press you as to why you can’t help them, you can just repeat yourself, “I’m sorry, but I cannot help you.”

If you are a people pleaser and you say “Yes” to a request, when the resentment builds up because you said “Yes” when you wanted to say, “No,” you don’t have a solid “Yes.” To cope, you may back out of your commitment at the last minute, do something passive-aggressive, like “forget,” or fulfill the request, but do so while being in a bad mood or do so poorly. It is better to have a solid “Yes” and “No” on the front end than end up disappointing people or appearing unreliable.

The other thing I want to say about people pleasing is that when we are sacrificing our own needs for those of others, that is NOT love. It is co-dependence. Putting others first at the continual expense of ourselves is not good for us. Giving to others, when it is not returned or reciprocated, is not a healthy relationship. It is servitude. There I said it!

Yes, of course, we want to please the people we love and who love us in return. However, when you are giving to others out of love, giving becomes receiving. It is not motivated by a desire to “give to get.” Giving in this way is a true gift and requires no reciprocation. The joy in giving comes both from a sense of abundance, of having lots to share, and the joy in the pleasure it will give the other. You are both enhanced and fulfilled by the giving.

Who do you really need to please in life? Hint: YOU!!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 2

In Part 1 of this article, I talked about setting aside time to discuss a concern and ways to break it down into it's component parts. The goal of that was to have your concern better received and understood by the other person with whom you were in conflict.

This time, I will review the use of active listening skills, which is what the person receiving the concern can best do to help resolve the conflict. Nothing makes a conflict worse than when the other person is not actively listening or engaged. Here are 5 steps to not only demonstrate that you are listening, but to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

The 5 steps of active listening are:

1. Attending - This is mostly non-verbal. It means you are in the same room, with no distractions interfering (turn off the TV or computer) and in comfortable proximity to each other. It is demonstrated by an open and receptive body posture (no arms folded over your chest), making comfortable eye contact, and nodding to indicate you are listening.

2. Acknowledging - This includes both non-verbal and verbal behaviors, such as leaning slightly forward, some affectionate contact like patting the other person or holding their hand, and saying things like, "I see," "yes," "okay," "Uh hmmmm," or "Oh, I get it." Such statement are made in a warm or matter-of-fact tone.

3. Inviting - When the person expressing their concern seems lost for words or vague, you can say things to encourage them to go deeper or into more detail. Inviting statements sound like, "tell me more," "please go on," "what else?" or a simple "and?" Even simple silence can invite a person to go deeper into their thoughts or feelings. Learning to invite conversation is a great skill to have because it makes the other person feel safe and encouraged that their thoughts and feelings are important to you. Too many times, in conflict, I see where one person shuts the other one down and then complains that "he doesn't talk to me anymore!"

4. Summarizing - I call this one the "money piece" because when you learn to summarize accurately and effectively, the fight is more than half over. First of all, it isn't rude to interrupt someone who is long winded to summarize. If you are confused, this is also a good time to interrupt to summarize. It demonstrates like no other skill that you are listening, actively engaged and what your current level of understanding of their concern is. It's infinitely better to summarize than to simply (and defensively) say, "I understand!" To summarize simply means to paraphrase or put into your own words the essence of what the other person is thinking and/or feeling. You condense it down and reflect it back to them to demonstrate your understanding. Be careful not to add your own assumptions or interpretations into the mix. You can tell that you did, if the person gets angry or annoyed with you. You'll know when you hit the nail on the head with an accurate and effective summarization when the other person visibly relaxes and they say something like, "YES! That's it exactly. Now you know how I feel!"

5. Ask Open Questions - I leave this to the last because it is to be used minimally, not liberally. If you pepper someone with 20 questions, they will respond defensively or shut down. If you ask a question that only requires and "yes" or "no" response, you've lost alot of information. Better to invite them to say more about a detail than to ask a "yes/no" question. The appropriate use of open ended questions is to clarify a detail you didn't understand. Then ask, who? what? where? when and NEVER why? Why questions put people on the defensive and if it's an emotionally charged issue, they may answer in a way that you won't believe anyway.

In closing, these 5 steps of active listening can be used on any order. Often times after giving a summarization, for instance, you return to an inviting response to get the person talking again. The point of active listening is to communicate caring and understanding to the other person while they are expressing a concern. Once they feel that you fully and clearly understand their concern and feelings, it is much easier to move to the stage of brainstorming possible solutions. Plus, sometimes for the person expressing the concern, being heard and understood is enough. You don't need to agree with someone's perspective in order to understand and validate it for them.

In my workshops, I pair people up to talk and listen to each other on one topic for 3 minutes. What I find consistently is that 3 minutes is more than enough for someone to say all they have to say about anything!

Who listens well to you? What makes them a good listener?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 1

Most of us stress out when faced with an interpersonal conflict, whether it's at work or at home. Unfortunately, without guidance for effective conflict resolutions, we can act like....well, 2 year olds. We pout, whine, scream, blame call names, walk out or tune out, or worse...hit. As Confucius said," He who strikes the first blow admits he has run out of ideas." Plus, nothing is resolved this way.

So, I'd like to give you some ideas about effective conflict resolution, or what I like to call "interpersonal negotiation." First of all, if you are ambushed by an emotional reaction in the face of conflict, it is best to walk away, calm down, get some clarity, and figure out exactly what's upsetting you before talking to the other person(s) involved. You are much more likely to get what you want when you respond, not react. You are also much more likely to get what you want when you can define a "win-win" position, such that everyone comes away feeling good about the plan and decision.

I want to be clear that I'm not talking about compromise, but collaboration. Compromises don't really resolve anything permanently. They are a "win-lose" proposition. The best possible outcome for a conflict is when everyone feels like they came out the winner.

The first step to getting to that "win-win" position is to define the issue and the stakeholders in the issue. In other words, what's bugging youand who needs to be part of the resolution? This will allow you to gather the right people together for a discussion and to focus on one issue at a time.

The second step to getting an issue resolved is to get agreement to discuss it when all parties are free of distractions, rested, sober, and have set aside a defined block of time. I highly recommend setting a time limit on the discussion so that it doesn't become the interminable "talk" that goes on until 3am. If the issue isn't resolved within the time period, agree to set aside another block of time to continue or finish the discussion.

Third, if you are the person bringing up the concern or issue, break it down into its component parts for clarity. This will be helpful to you and to the person listening to your concern. It is much easier for someone to listen and stay calm when you are describing the various parts of an issue instead of screaming and name calling.

I find the categories used by Sheron Miller, Ph.D. in his Couple's Communication workshops to be very helpful. He says, any issue contains 5 component parts and that taking time to break it down makes it easier to communicate. He calls this part "Taking Care of Yourself" because your are owning up to all the aspects of the issue and defining what you want.

The five aspects or steps in clarifying an issue are:
1. Describe the sensory data - what you saw, heard and took in through your senses that relate to the issue

2. Identify the thoughts, interpretations, assumptions, or beliefs you formed as a result of what you saw and heard in #1

3. Share the feelings that you're having as a result of #2. Use feeling words, which are some variation of "sad, mad, glad, bad or scared."

4. Identify your wants about the issue, including what you want for yourself, for the other person and for all involved

5. Describe your past, present and possible future actions you've taken or could take to resolve the issue. Invite the other person(s) directly involved in the issue to brainstorm with you about actions you could take to obtain the "win-win" or desired outcome. This creates shared ownership of the solution.

Hint: Once you get to the part where you communicate clearly what you want for all involved, you've usually defined the "win-win" position. It might be"I want us to have a clear way to communicate our wants, needs and boundaries about affection to each other" or "I want us to have time together to keep our relationship vital and the spark alive" or "I want us to hone a way of making decisions about moneythat we both can live with."

In the second part of this article I will discuss the other half of the equation for effective conflict resolution or what Sheron Miller, Ph.D.called "Taking Care of the Other." That part is the use of active listening skills. I know of nothing more effective in diffusing upset in a difficult negotiation than being an excellent listener. It takes some skill and alot of practice, but it is certainly a skill worth honing.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Secret to Peak Performance

Lately psychologists have become interested in positive psychology and peak performance states, instead of just the study of mental illness and stress related problems. By studying human potential, instead of focusing solely on human frailty and illness, we get a perspective that suggests ways and techniques which expand and optimize human life, instead of just providing a form of damage control or remediation.

I recently returned from a workshop sponsored by Harvard Medical School and held at Esalen Institute in beautiful Big Sur, California. The title of the workshop was “Enhancing Peak Performance in Art, Sports, and the Worksite.” What was new and interesting about the workshop was the addition of practices drawn directly from Eastern meditative practices. The presenter, Dr. Daniel Brown, had studied mediation in Tibet and Burma for 10 years and cited research studies on the abilities of advanced meditators.

In the West, we think of peak performance as episodic, the ability to do something, such as play a sport, at a high level for a limited amount of time. For example, as baseball player may have a hitting streak that eventually dies away or turns into the opposite of a peak performance, which would be a batting slump. The focus in the West is on the doing and the outcome. The Eastern perspective considers peak performance as a state of Being in excellence all the time, i.e. in a state of mastery. Zen archers, who are masters of there sport because they are masters of themselves, would be an example of that.

It’s interesting to look at the qualities of peak performance states, or being “in the zone” or in “flow.” It is an effortless, joyful, intensely focused state of consciousness characterized by self-forgetting, moment by moment awareness, time and/or sensory distortion, a sense of total control of the situation, and the perfect match of skill and challenge. Although you cannot make “flow” happen, you can increase the likelihood through training, preparation and self-discipline. The minimum requirements to achieve a peak performance state are the ability to 1) use a native talent, 2) focus one’s attention and tune out distractions, 3) find a new challenge in the situation that “raises your game,” 4) use mental imagery for rehearsal of optimal performance, 5) achieve the positive mental and calm emotional tone, 6) maintain a high level of motivation, and 7) be self-correcting.

Common blocks to peak performance include anxiety, negative self-talk, worry, self-limiting belief, low expectations and irrational beliefs, like “I can never win.” All of these blocks can be addressed through a variety of therapeutic techniques. Other aspects of preparation can by strengthened by techniques taken from hypnosis, mental imagery, and meditation practice, including training of concentration and awareness.

The contrast between how we in the West view peak performance and how it is viewed in the East was of primary interest to me, as it fell within a discipline he called “virtues of character and mind.” He described how many of our celebrity athletes, like a Kobe Bryant and movie stars, like Robert Downey, Jr., have amazing natural talent, that with training has been honed to a high level, but they lack the character and mental training that would allow them to have sustained a high level of performance over time. Consequently, they get into trouble with the law and jeopardize their careers. The star fades just as quickly as it had risen. The closest we have to the training of “virtues of character” in the West is Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

What are these “virtues of character and mind” that differentiate the highly talented peak performers from the true master and how can we learn them? Here’s a partial list culled for multiple sources: trust, courage, commitment, sense of purpose, light-heartedness, curiosity, generosity of spirit, patience, equanimity, resourcefulness, integrity, humility, empathy, compassion, honesty, loving kindness, and self-efficacy. Sounds like all the qualities we’re supposed to develop from spiritual practices, doesn’t it? Obviously these character virtues don’t happen over night, but the good news is that they can be cultivated with perseverance and self-discipline.

Dr. Brown said that in Tibetan culture the main way to cultivate these virtues of mind is through visualization. Here’s an exercise he suggested. Try coming up with an ideal role model or person who you think poses or exemplifies a desire virtue or strength you wish to acquire. Perhaps, you want to cultivate humility and you use Mother Theresa as your role model. Using imagery, get into a relaxed state and mentally bring that person before you until you can feel their presence. Then imagine a scene or activity where this person is manifesting this quality as their strength. Observe what they are doing. Then imagine them in a different situation manifesting the same strength. Again, observe what they are doing. Now imagine that quality is placed in a bubble of light that floats towards you, hovers over your head and slowly descends into your body and moves down from your head to stop in your heart. Feel that bubble of light filled with that wonderful quality burst open and spread in all directions from within your heart. You become that quality. Then imagine yourself in different life scenes having this strength and manifesting this quality.

It’s exciting me to learn about what is possible and what abilities can be expanded through the use of psychological techniques.

What area of your life do you want to take to the next level?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Live the Right Questions

I love questions...especially provocative questions that get people to think and think deeply. One of my favorite questions is "what would you do if you knew you were assured of success?"

Wow! Doesn't that blow the lid off of mundane questions, like "how are you?" Try using that question as an opener at your next networking meeting. I'll bet you have a long conversation after that.

Here's another one: "What do you want to be able to say you are most proud of in life when you're on your deathbed?" Morbid? Not really. It gives you perspective. It cuts through the clutter and lets you know what's really important to you. Death is your best advisor.

What the right questions do is point our minds toward answers. Although those answers might not spring readily to your lips, your mind will start working to find the answers.

Here's another great question: "What would it take to double my income within a year?" I'm working on that one right now. Come back to the blog in a year and I'll let you know what I figured out. I'm guessing it has to do with a couple of things: intention and focused action with alittle leveraging of my skills and talents mixed in.

Here's another: "What do I need to do, learn, or be to have the most successful, fulfilling, happy relationship I could dream of?" We all want love, we just don't know how to find it. Answer: Be loving! What goes around comes around in this.

Successful people don't have all the answers. What they do is ask all the right questions!

Take the sage advice of the Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke and "have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Post a comment...better yet...leave us one of your best questions to ponder!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Do a Good Deed Daily

I'd like to discuss an idea to help reduce your stress while strengthening your heart. This is an unusual idea for stress reduction because it involves doing something for someone else. Do a good deed daily. Do something nice for someone else and your heart will grow stronger. That someone can be a friend, family member, coworker, a business associate, or better yet, a total stranger.

Acts of kindness and generosity not only benefit others, they benefit us too. One way to think of it is that you are exercising your heart. I don't mean the same kind of exercise you get when you do something physical like run 2 miles, but the kind you get when you openly give from the heart. That is spiritual exercise.

To get the full benefit of this exercise, don't grandstand. Give without an expectation of acknowledgement or appreciation. Don't give in order to get admiration or with the expectation that someone will return the favor. If you do, it's not a sincere gift; it's doesn't stretch the heart. It creates obligations because it has strings attached. Most of us know or can sense when we've received a "gift" with strings attached. You feel suspicious, and there's a note of expectancy in the air that whispers, "now you owe me" or, "now you have to do something in return." These acts aren't gifts; they are bribes.

Gifts of the heart don't have to cost anything or be material objects. A gift of the heart could be a compliment, picking up trash on the neighbor's yard, putting a dime in an expired parking meter, sending an e-mail with a cheery message, singing to your child or spouse or partner, writing at poem, a hug, or simply making eye contact and smiling when greeting a stranger.

One of the most moving things about the 911 tragedy was the immediate outpouring of love, support, kindness and sacrifice New Yorkers spontaneously gave to each other. The spirit of healing was immediately and unequivocally present. It's effects quickly spread around the country as we all realized that what happened in New York happened to all of us. It seemed to me for awhile after that day everyone was kinder, more helpful and cooperative. Then it faded.

We don't need a national or personal tragedy to spur that kind of outpouring of love and kindness. We don't need to save it for the holiday season or special occasions. We can choose to make it part of our daily routine.

Giving is receiving. When our hearts feel full and more open, we are engaged with life. When we are engaged with life, we feel good about ourselves. People who feel good about themselves handle stress better and are more stress resistant.

So start today: make a list of random acts of kindness and senseless beauty you can do for others. Then just do it....oh, and post your ideas here, so others can try them!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Law of Attraction

The law of attraction says that the quality of our thinking and feeling attract certain things and experience into our lives. Abundance thinking is the opposite deficit thinking, which is what most of do. Deficit thinking is where we focus on wanting more of something we don't have; love, money, confidence, etc. Deficit thinking results in feeling frustrated, anxious and even despair. Abundance thinking focuses all your thinking and feeling on experiencing what you want in the present moment. Abundance thinking results in feelings of happiness, confidence, security and peace.

So instead of spending alot of time trying to reduce or eliminate stressors in your life, why not put 5-10 minutes a day into trying to attract positive things into your life? Joy, abundance, peace and happiness have to be the best antidotes to stress that I know.

To being to shift from deficit to abundance thinking, you need to employ your imagination and creative side. There's a wonderful quote from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland that fits here.
"One can't believe impossible things, "Alice said.

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

In the law of attraction there's an understanding that "like attracts like." Often times in deficit or fear-based thinking, we're already using our imagination quite effectively. The problem is that we're imagining the worst! Then when what we've imagined happens, we're not surprised. Like attracts like. If we're fearful, we attract more experiences that reinforce our fearful state of mind. In deficit thinking, we are wanting something outside of ourselves to change before we can feel something positive, i.e. "If I only had a million dollars, then I'd be happy." "If I were married, then I'd feel secure." This leaves us in a state of waiting.

The secret that most people don't know is that the power of our imagination also works in reverse, when we imagine the best possible outcome happening, we also attract that. Then when it happens, we're not surprised. Like attracts like. When we're happy or feeling prosperous, we attract more experiences that reinforce that happiness or prosperity. In other words, attitudes or mental states attract similar reactions from others and draw certain experiences to you. This is reflected in our language with such statements as "what goes around comes around," "misery loves company," and "a smile is infectious."

So, to begin to learn how to switch from deficit thinking to abundance thinking, you can learn to create positive mental and emotional states without waiting for something outside yourself to happen. How? Well, most of us have a wealth of memories to draw upon. Try recalling a time in your life when you felt very happy, or at peace, or confident in your abilities. Perhaps it was the day you accepted a marriage proposal, or your child took their first steps, or you received praise for something you accomplished at work. Our positive memories are a gold mine. Call up one or several of those memories and go over them in you mind in vivid detail, especially focusing on the wonderful feeling you had at the time. Bask in the feeling. Magnify it. Let it permeate every fiber of your being.

Do this for 5-10 minutes every day and you will start to magnetize yourself to attract more of those similar feelings and experiences. Five to ten minutes...that's really not a long time when you think about the feelings you're focusing on the other 23 hours and 50 minutes of the day. The more you practice generating blissful internal feelings, the better you'll get at it.

Another way to focus on positive feelings is to create an "altar" of positive memories somewhere in your home or office. Put objects, pictures, inspiring quotes, and candles there: anything that evokes a positive memory or feeling. Spend some time looking at these objects. Play the music that you first fell in love to. One man had a wall of awards in his office that he would look at anytime he felt a lack of confidence about a new project.

Another way to create positive feelings is to imagine a goal as already complete. Imagine what you will feel like when you lose 20 pounds, earn that promotion, start a new successful relationship or business. Again, spend 5-10 minutes a day basking in that feeling.

The law of attraction and manifesting what you want is very powerful. We're manifesting and attracting all the time, just not the things we consciously want. Make a decision to start looking for abundance, focusing your imagination on the fulfillment of your dreams, basking in positive emotional states and watch what happens.

What did you manifest today?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

You Must Be Present to Win

Have you’ve ever noticed that depressed people dwell on the past and anxious people are worried about the future? If so, you’ll understand the profound wisdom written in small print on raffle tickets, “you must be present to win.”

First, living in the present moment gives you a quality of presence. To live in the present means to let go of the past and stop worrying about the future and focus on what’s going on right now. It’s letting go of the “if only’s” and the “what if’s” and concentration on the “what is.” Another way of saying the same thing is, “Be here now.”

People who have presence are calmer, more radiant, vital, happier, more approachable and attractive, in the sense that this quality draws you to them. They are in touch with and responsive to the realities of the moment. I notice that when I’m in the present all my senses are more alive and everything seems to be more vivid. It’s like I’ve fallen in love and everything is bright and shiny and full of hope.

Where does stress live in time? In the future, not the present. Where does regret and guilt live in time? In the past, not the present. What lives in the present? Peace.

Here’s an exercise to get into the moment. When a client is anxious or depressed, I’ll suggest they verbalize a litany of “Right now in this moment I notice….” statements to get them into the present. So, they might start out with, “Right now in this moment I notice I’m hungry.” “Right now in this moment I notice I’m sad.” “Right now in this moment I notice the room smells like lavender.” “Right now in this moment I notice my body is tense.” In the moment unpleasant emotions seem to shift towards neutral or pleasant.

A second reason why living in the moment is optimal is because the present is all there is. Life is a stream of present moments. About 10 years ago, while attending a 5 day silent meditation retreat, the clock on the wall in the meditation room was covered with paper. All that was printed on that paper was the word, “NOW.” I found that both humorous and true. When people ask me what time it is, I often answer, “Now.”

Finally, I believe it’s easier to make changes in your life if you let go of the stories you have about the way things “have always been and always will be,” in other words, when you live in the moment. What if you started off with a totally clean slate, as if the past didn’t matter or predict the future? What if the future was up to you and started out in the present? What if your future had more to do with your plans and intentions of the moment than about anything that happened to you in the past?

Where do you want to spend the rest of your life?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Stress Jujitsu

In the "soft" form of jujitsu, the objective in self-defense is going with the force of a blow instead of encountering it or resisting it. Instead of using extra energy to make contact and turn a blow away, the martial artist either steps aside or moves with the momentum of the blow, thus throwing the attacker off balance.

This could be applied to stressors too. Instead of mentally resisting or fighting stress, try giving it an unequivocal, "Yes! Yes, I acknowledge and accept this stress. Yes, I'm on board with it. Yes, I accept the adjustments and changes it's bringing into my life. Yes, I accept this new challenge coming into my life." If we cooperate with the stress, instead of resist or fight it, we will save energy and most likely reduce the intensity and duration of the stress.

There's a saying, "what we resist persists." If we give a YES to STRESS, perhaps it will run its course faster. Instead of feeling out of control and angry that we did not choose to bring this stress into our lives, we choose to work with its energy and momentum.

Honestly, has it ever helped make a stressor go away any faster by resisting it, complaining about it, and thinking how unfair it is that you have to deal with it? If a stressor is something outside your control, working with it, instead of against it, makes more sense.

For example, if you are stuck in an airport because your flight has been delayed or cancelled, ask yourself, “what would be a more productive use of this unexpected free time? Could you make phone calls? Write a letter? Read? Make notes for your next business meeting? Write up a proposal? Make a new friend? Meditate? Balance your checkbook?

Having a positive and flexible attitude toward unforeseen changes in plans turns them into adventures instead of stressors. "I wonder what will happen now that what I thought was going to happen has fallen through." You might be propelled by the momentum of the moment into something wonderful!

Another mental method of stress jujitsu would be to view everything about any situation as happening exactly as it should. Then it can feel like there's a flow and a purpose to the event and that you are not busy judging it or yourself because you've been surprised.

Instead of telling yourself, "I can't stand this" or "this isn't supposed to happen," which creates stress and denies the reality, change it to, "this is unpleasant, yet I can get through it" or "I don't like this very much and I accept that it is happening." Then, instead of being locked in a struggle of forces - of stress moving towards you and you exerting force against it - try giving it your cooperation and watch it move more quickly.

When was the first time you said YES to STRESS?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Mental Methods of Managing Stress

Most people carry on a silent internal conversation with themselves during much of the day, yet are totally unaware of it. This internal self talk is very much like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may be surprised at how much of what you feel is caused by what you tell yourself, what you think about any situation. It is most often your beliefs and thoughts about a situation that make a stressful, not the situation itself.

When your self-talk is positive, i.e., “ I know I can do this” or “everything will go fine,” you are more likely to succeed and proceed stress-free than not. When your self-talk is negative” I can’t do this” or “I’m not smart enough”-- then you may not even try to succeed, thus fulfilling your inner prophecy. Other times our inner self-talk includes words that pressure us, such as “should,” “must,” “have to,” “ought to,” and the like. This kind of self talk creates guilt, tension, stress and discomfort. To reduce the stress of the “shoulda, coulda, ought to’s” I suggest replacing those words with, “I choose.” So instead of saying, “I should go take a walk” changed to “I choose to go take a walk” it's a subtle but powerful difference in wording but it will change how you feel.

Here are some examples of negative self talk you need to turn around. The first is called catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is when you blow something out of proportion and make it a bigger problem than it actually is. An example might be if you have a headache, it doesn't stay a simple headache, it becomes a brain aneurysm.

The second type of negative self talk is overgeneralization. That means jumping to conclusions that are not really warranted. For example if you've had one thing go wrong today and you say, “I’m having a totally bad day,” you have over-generalized because you have ignored every other positive thing that has happened in the day.

The third kind of self-talk is “black and white” thinking. This type of thinking maintains that something is either one way or the other and disregards that there is always a gray area in between.

Understanding and becoming aware of your unique self talk is the first step in learning to rewrite your internal script and reduce self created stress.

How do I rewrite my self-talk? First, learn to listen to your own self-talk. Write it down if necessary. It might be helpful to make a chart with three columns and write down some examples of situations you would like to have happen such as,” I'd like that promotion,” or “I want to ask that person out on the date.” Then close your eyes and listen to how your self-talk responds to each desire. Write your self- talk in the second column. Examples might be, “I'm not smart enough to get the promotion” or “that person wouldn't find me interesting anyhow”. In the third column, write down a thought or two which is the opposite of column 2, if that statement is negative. For example, “I have earned that promotion” or “on the fascinating person, I just need a chance to show it.”

Practiced using positive self talk every day. You will feel happier, more confident, and less stressed.

Please leave a comment about the power of positive self-talk!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Success and Abundance Aren't Just for the Lucky!

Do you ever wonder why some people are successful at what they set out to do and others are not? I do. Whether it’s a diet, financial goal, or finding love, what differentiates those who are successful from those who are not?

In Peak Performance, there are 7 steps to success: 1) deciding to achieve at a high level, 2) identifying and overcoming blocks to success, 3) setting goals that are consistent with your personal values, and 5) developing a plan, 6) making a commitment to do whatever it takes to succeed, 7) taking the first step NOW.

Each step involves self awareness, confidence, optimism and an “abundance” mindset. Successful people have a “can do” attitude and a willingness to take risks, to go outside of their comfort zone, and to seek the knowledge and support of experts. Larry Winget, author of Shut Up, Stop Whining & Get a Life, says the world is divided into two types of people, the “will’s” and the “will-not’s.” His point is that it’s not knowledge or ability that limits us, but that most of us are not willing to do what it takes to be successful in any chosen endeavor.

For example, most procrastinators know what they need to do to finish a project. They have the skills to do so. What they don’t have is the willingness to change the way they approach things. They aren’t willing to get a head start on things, even though they are able to. Similarly perfectionists know what kind of a result they want on their projects. They have the skills to accomplish something, but they are not willing to lower their standards so that they can either begin or complete the project. They aren’t willing to let things be “good enough.” Even though both of these work styles cause problems in achievement, to change them would require someone to go outside of their comfort zone.

To try something different often causes anxiety, which can cause us to avoid change. When success requires changing one’s perceptions or process of doing things, this is where people balk. In psychology we call it “resistance.” I call it “internal blocks to success.” A classic aphorism says, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” Most people are afraid of the unknown, which is why making change, even self-initiated change, is often difficult.

To get started you need to define a vision of success for yourself that fits with your values. Often we let others or societal expectations determine what we think “should” be our goals, and then wonder why we have no enthusiasm for accomplishing them. Ask yourself, “What is success to me? What do I want to do that fulfills my highest purpose?” The poet Goethe says, “Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

Then, imagine yourself as that person, doing and being successful in your life. Call that image up in your mind and step inside of the “future you” to see what it feels like and what the world looks like from that vantage point. If you are like most of us, you’ll feel somewhat uncomfortable with that image of yourself, as we have a fear of success. This is where some work needs to be done to reduce that discomfort. As motivational writer, Zig Ziglar says, “You will never perform consistently in a manner which is inconsistent with how you see yourself.”

Overcoming internal obstacles to success is the most challenging part. Here’s where my training in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) really augments all the other techniques I’ve learned for motivating positive change in one’s life. EFT helps erase the internal fears and barriers to success, thus allowing you to move more confidently and easily into the planning and action phases. By addressing and reducing the intensity of those internal fears, self-doubts and barriers to success, you are freed to take effective action. Common blocks to success and abundance include self-defeating beliefs, not having a powerful enough goal, fear of success, negativity, lack of focus, discouragement, and fatigue. All of these can be turned into set up phrases and used with EFT.

In addition, I've paired EFT with positive affirmations or goal statements. Not only does the EFT help "install" the belief in the affirmation faster than mere repetition, it also helps manifest that goal! I know because I discovered that accidentally. I was using EFT to tap along with the affirmation, "Large sums of money come to me quickly and easily." When I wrote the affirmation, I didn't believe it at all. About 6 weeks later, I got a call from my brother that I was going to inherit about $3000 from the sale of my Mom's house. Never in my life did I expect to get anything from my parents' estate. I also receive an unexpected check for over $900 from an insurance refund that I thought ended they year before. The next year I surpassed my intended income goal. I was on to something.

If you have a BHAG, or Big Hairy Audacious Goal, what fears and self-defeating assumptions are blocking you from taking action towards that goal?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

Stress Addiction

Every time I give a presentation on stress management, I hear something akin to, "I don't have time to manage my stress." For some reason this reminds me of, "I don't have a drinking problem because I can stop whenever I want." This makes me wonder if as a society, we're addicted to our own adrenaline. I wouldn't be surprised.

Even though stress is killing us, being stressed seems to be an acceptable way of life. Busy-ness seems to be raised to the level of a virtue and relaxation is seen as a sin, a waste of time and something to feel guilty about. Oh, and it starts young. I get weary just hearing how parents run their kids to soccer, basketball, cheerleading, karate, and piano every night of the week. What ever happened to letting kids play amongst themselves and oh...use their imaginations? Geez, I must be getting old, because I was about to say, "that was good enough in my day!" And what about the poor stressed out parents who are chauffering their kids everywhere?

Here's my solution to being addicted to stress. I call it the "Sinatra Mantra." I think life should alternate like so: "Do, be, do, be, do." I think we need to be able to both "be" and "do," but in moderation. A certain amount of stress is energizing, but beyond a certain point, it'll cut you off at the knees.

About 15 years ago now, I got to live out a dream to go meditate on a mountain top in California for 5 days with Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of Full Catastrophe Living and Whereever You Go, There You Are. Nice man. At the time he ran a Stress Management Program in Massachusetts using Mindfulness Meditation and Yoga. He was featured in a PBS special with Bill Moyers. I still quote him saying on that special that "Pain happens; but suffering is optional."

The benefits of his program are well documented, but the funny thing is that to get into his program you had to either be damned near dead, such that the doctors had given up on you, or in intense chronic pain that they could not treat. Is that what it takes to get us to finally slow down and manage our stress? My goodness, I hope not!

What's your idea of a low stress lifestyle? Post your comment here and get the party started!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681