Jul 15, 2008

Schmoozing 101: The Art of Casual Conversation

Social anxiety is one of the more common stressors. We feel awkward, embarrassed, uncomfortable or plain fearful of approaching others. Thoughts that fuel such fears might include: "I'm just not good at talking to people. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm stupid/unattractive/? I couldn't stand it if I got rejected. I don't know what to say. What if I come across as desperate or needy? They couldn't possibly be interested in me! What if I say the wrong thing? Besides, if they really got to know me, they won't like me."

Well, unless you plan to be a hermit all your life, you can learn to feel comfortable approaching others. Learning to meet people, for the purpose of work, friendship or dating, doesn't have to feel like someone is scraping their fingernails across a chalkboard. It's a set of skills that can be learned, starting with getting rid of the "what if's" and negative expectations.

Here's a way to start: Try changing all you're "what if's" to the opposite of what your fear says. Using the examples above, let's change them to: "What if they do like me? What if they think I'm brilliant and fabulous looking? What if I come across as confident and interesting? What if I say all the right things?" Heady stuff, huh? How would you feel walking into a room full of strangers with these thoughts in your head?

Now, let's take the negative self-talk and turn that around. It now becomes, "I'm great at talking to people because I'm a good listener. If I think I'm being rejected, which might just mean they aren't interested in me at the moment, I'll just move on to the next person. If I don't know what to say, I'll ask them to tell me about themselves. I'm an interesting person and I show it by being interested in others. Besides, if they really got to know me, they will LOVE me."

So once you get a positive mindset, your confidence is starting to grow. What you believe, you perceive. So, the next step is to learn to make "small talk." Small talk is light topical conversation that gets you into a conversation and allows you to "feel out" the situation to see who is receptive. Good conversations starters don't have to be polished, clever or smooth. In fact, just ordinary openers work the best. Try walking up to a group of strangers at a networking event or party and just listen for a minute to see what the conversation is about. Join in with a simple comment followed by a question (to move the conversation forward). For example, if you approach a group of business people at a networking event and hear them talking about the effect of the rising cost of gas on their businesses, you might join the conversation by saying, "I'm glad to hear someone is discussing how this affects business. What are you doing to handle this?" Perhaps you're standing in line at a concert and there's a very attractive person talking with their friends ahead of you. You could enter the conversation again, with a comment and a question, such as, "I'm very excited to see this band. How long do you think we'll be waiting before they let us in?" These kind of comments, followed by a specific question are much better conversation starters than more vague questions like, "what's new?" or "what's happening?"

If you have social anxiety, I can imagine your next thought, "Sure, then WHAT?" Then what you need to know how to do is keep the conversation going. There was a book out a long time ago (1974) called, "What Do You Say After You Say Hello." That's where alot of people get stuck. I always advise, "when in doubt, listen." To keep a conversation going, some very simple statements like, "that's very interesting; tell me more" is a great one. Or, "Wow, you really are brilliant. What else do you think?" Or, "I am fascinated by this topic. Please go on." All can be the bridge to keep conversation flowing. All you have to do is throw one of these in, then listen and smile, nodding appreciatively and/or look thoughtful or fascinated.

Okay, now you've gotten yourself into a conversation with new people, you know how to move it forward. The next skill to develop is to pick up on social cues, like gestures, tone of voice and body language. If you enter a new group of people and start a conversation and no one stops talking to respond to you, or if no one makes eye contact to acknowledge that you are there even after you speak up, it might be time to politely excuse yourself and move to the next group of people. A nice exit line might be, "Excuse me, I see some friends I need to talk to."

Finally, besides knowing how to get others to talk about themselves, you need know how to talk about yourself. I'd suggest starting out with commonalities, or what I call the "me too's!" If in the course of the conversation, someone mentions that they like a certain style of music that you also love, throw in a "me too!" and tell them what you love about that. This builds rapport and a sense of connection because you're pointing out commonalities. Don't just state the facts, but throw in how you feel about the music. For example, I LOVE the Beatles! Paul was my favorite Beatle. He's so cute and his voice just sends me. Who was yours?"

When you get this far and practice, practice, practice, you will notice that your social anxiety will become a distant memory. Act on your fear and it will disappear.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
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