Blame: Two Can Play That Game

Why do we always look for someone or something to blame when we are hurt, upset or frustrated? Why is laying fault the first thing on someone's mind when bad things happen? Does there always have to be an aggressor and a victim in every interaction that doesn't go the way one or the other party wants it to? Is retribution the best response to harm or hurt? (It seems to me this could apply both to individual persons, as well as entire nations.)

If we could get inside the mind of someone who constantly blames others (whether they are the aggressor or the victim) this might be the unconscious thought process: "I blame you for my choices and deny that I had other options or choices to make. I am going to react and get rid of this awful feeling as quickly as I can. I don't want to acknowledge that I had my part in making this situation go poorly. I don't want to look at my own behavior or own the negative results I get in life. I want to find fault and blame someone else because I don't want to feel bad about myself or have to make difficult changes or face my fears. I don't want to look at the fact that my behavior has hurt other contributed to my own hurt. I want to say, ‘you made me do it!’

So, I will blame you or circumstances for my drinking, overeating, rages, hitting, infidelity, and lying. I justify it to myself by saying, 'If only you wouldn't have done ________, I wouldn't have done what I did. Look what you made me do!'

In my worldview, retaliation for hurt or harm is justifiable. I don't acknowledge that I am hurt and seek solace, comfort or understanding. Maybe I don't know how. Maybe I see that as weak. Nor do I seek to negotiate for a more satisfying outcome, talk to you about how your behavior has affected me, or courageously remove myself from a toxic situation. Instead I blame you and feel like a helpless victim. I label you as "lazy, unloving, irritating, frigid, weak, irresponsible, evil, unfit, stupid, or crazy." I cover up and attempt to assuage my hurt or fear with violence, self-righteous anger, or self-defeating behaviors, instead of forgiveness, understanding or assertiveness.

I wear my victim stature outwardly. I protest is loudly to my friends and family, seeking their sympathy, asking them to choose sides against you and agree with me that you are bad, that YOU are to blame. Everybody thinks I am a saint (except those who secretly think I'm a fool) for putting up with this!”

As I write this I am keenly aware that everybody loses in this kind of interaction. There is no accountability, no responsibility, no integrity. In the “blame game” it becomes difficult to tell the aggressors from the victims after awhile, as both are pointing fingers at the other and saying, “she/he did that to me! Everybody feel sorry for me!” Without personal accountability and responsibility, without stopping to consider how your actions contributed to the unsatisfactory outcome you’re experiencing, where that’s the bombing of the World Trade Center or the fact that you just bounced another check in the family checkbook, the cycle just continues. There’s no stopping it until someone takes responsibility for their behavior and says, “Yes, this part was my doing. I did that to you because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t’ want to look at myself and acknowledge my hurt, fear, frustration or my incorrect assumptions. I didn’t want to take the time to listen and respond after some consideration of your side. I just reacted.

Seems to me if we all did this, there's be alot more peace in the world!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.
Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
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