Social anxiety is one of the more common stressors. We feel awkward, embarrassed, uncomfortable or plain fearful of approaching others. Thoughts that fuel such fears might include: "I'm just not good at talking to people. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm stupid/unattractive/? I couldn't stand it if I got rejected. I don't know what to say. What if I come across as desperate or needy? They couldn't possibly be interested in me! What if I say the wrong thing? Besides, if they really got to know me, they won't like me."
Well, unless you plan to be a hermit all your life, you can learn to feel comfortable approaching others. Learning to meet people, for the purpose of work, friendship or dating, doesn't have to feel like someone is scraping their fingernails across a chalkboard. It's a set of skills that can be learned, starting with getting rid of the "what if's" and negative expectations.
Here's a way to start: Try changing all you're "what if's" to the opposite of what your fear says. Using the examples above, let's change them to: "What if they do like me? What if they think I'm brilliant and fabulous looking? What if I come across as confident and interesting? What if I say all the right things?" Heady stuff, huh? How would you feel walking into a room full of strangers with these thoughts in your head?
Now, let's take the negative self-talk and turn that around. It now becomes, "I'm great at talking to people because I'm a good listener. If I think I'm being rejected, which might just mean they aren't interested in me at the moment, I'll just move on to the next person. If I don't know what to say, I'll ask them to tell me about themselves. I'm an interesting person and I show it by being interested in others. Besides, if they really got to know me, they will LOVE me."
So once you get a positive mindset, your confidence is starting to grow. What you believe, you perceive. So, the next step is to learn to make "small talk." Small talk is light topical conversation that gets you into a conversation and allows you to "feel out" the situation to see who is receptive. Good conversations starters don't have to be polished, clever or smooth. In fact, just ordinary openers work the best. Try walking up to a group of strangers at a networking event or party and just listen for a minute to see what the conversation is about. Join in with a simple comment followed by a question (to move the conversation forward). For example, if you approach a group of business people at a networking event and hear them talking about the effect of the rising cost of gas on their businesses, you might join the conversation by saying, "I'm glad to hear someone is discussing how this affects business. What are you doing to handle this?" Perhaps you're standing in line at a concert and there's a very attractive person talking with their friends ahead of you. You could enter the conversation again, with a comment and a question, such as, "I'm very excited to see this band. How long do you think we'll be waiting before they let us in?" These kind of comments, followed by a specific question are much better conversation starters than more vague questions like, "what's new?" or "what's happening?"
If you have social anxiety, I can imagine your next thought, "Sure, then WHAT?" Then what you need to know how to do is keep the conversation going. There was a book out a long time ago (1974) called, "What Do You Say After You Say Hello." That's where alot of people get stuck. I always advise, "when in doubt, listen." To keep a conversation going, some very simple statements like, "that's very interesting; tell me more" is a great one. Or, "Wow, you really are brilliant. What else do you think?" Or, "I am fascinated by this topic. Please go on." All can be the bridge to keep conversation flowing. All you have to do is throw one of these in, then listen and smile, nodding appreciatively and/or look thoughtful or fascinated.
Okay, now you've gotten yourself into a conversation with new people, you know how to move it forward. The next skill to develop is to pick up on social cues, like gestures, tone of voice and body language. If you enter a new group of people and start a conversation and no one stops talking to respond to you, or if no one makes eye contact to acknowledge that you are there even after you speak up, it might be time to politely excuse yourself and move to the next group of people. A nice exit line might be, "Excuse me, I see some friends I need to talk to."
Finally, besides knowing how to get others to talk about themselves, you need know how to talk about yourself. I'd suggest starting out with commonalities, or what I call the "me too's!" If in the course of the conversation, someone mentions that they like a certain style of music that you also love, throw in a "me too!" and tell them what you love about that. This builds rapport and a sense of connection because you're pointing out commonalities. Don't just state the facts, but throw in how you feel about the music. For example, I LOVE the Beatles! Paul was my favorite Beatle. He's so cute and his voice just sends me. Who was yours?"
When you get this far and practice, practice, practice, you will notice that your social anxiety will become a distant memory. Act on your fear and it will disappear.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
Showing posts with label communication skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication skills. Show all posts
Apr 14, 2008
How to Get What You Want
As a therapist and corporate trainer, I am privy to the inner workings of the lives of many people. One of the things that amazes me is how many people are using outdated or incorrect assumptions about themselves and the world that disempower them, reduce their effectiveness, and sustain misery in their lives.
The theme I'd like to address today is not asking for what you want. To me, learning to ask directly and effectively for what you want is one of the joys and responsibilities of adulthood. As infants, it's more likely that our wants and needs were met without us having to ask, and were only limited by the resources and circumstances of the families and communities in which we were raised. If the limitations were severe, it's likely that after awhile you came to see the entire world as a place of limited resources. You might have concluded that either you were not entitled to what little was available to that there wasn't alot to get. "Why ask, if you're not going to get it anyhow?" may have become your overriding assumption and life script.
When people come for therapy, the first questions I ask are "what do you want?" or "what do you want out of life? " Sadly, these questions often stump people. They might muster up a desire to "be happy" or have "less stress." These vague responses suggest that part of their problem is that they haven't adequately addressed these very basic issues of taking full responsibility for their lives and acting as an agent on their own behalf. It could be that is because of an assumption that "this is just the way life is" or "this is just the way MY life is." Either way, I'm here to challenge that. By asking people to step outside of the box of their assumptions about themselves and what life has to offer, I've already started moving them towards a more empowered stance in life. When you can conceive of things being different or better, you're much more likely to ask for what you want and much more likely to get it than waiting and hoping that it will "just happen."
Let's look at some common barrier to asking for what you want. First, you don't ask for what you want because you don't know what you want, as discussed above. Sit down with a sheet of paper and start making a list of all the things you ever wanted or thought to want out of life. Don't censor or pause. Just start writing as fast a you can. Your list might include desires for love, money, family, career, travel, spiritual growth, friends, or leisure activities. Just let your imagination run wild. Post your list somewhere and review it regularly. Make a plan. Start asking for what you want. Start telling people of your wants and dreams.
Second, you might not ask for what you want because you automatically assume you won't get it or because you asked ONE TIME before and didn't get it. If you don't ever ask for what you want, you're guaranteed not to get it. Have you ever thought to yourself, "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want. If he/she loved me, they'd know." Phooey! This is an erroneous, outdated assumption that causes alot of problems between spouses/partners. Not having to ask for what you want only works for infants. Even then, the wail and cry until someone figures it out. Don't make others guess. Use your words. Ask repeatedly. Try, try again.
Third, you may not ask for what you want because you assume that it either isn't available or possible. This is like living with blinders on. How do you know until you ask? Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen, in their book about asking for what you want, The Aladdin Factor, say successful people "Ask, ask, ask!" Ask for what you want and keep asking until you find someone who can and will give you what you want.
Fourth, you may not ask for what you want because of low self-esteem. You may think that you are not worthy of good things or that other people's needs are more important than your own. You may think it's "selfish" to ask for what you want. Or you may fear that the reason you're not getting what you want out of life is because something deep and dark is wrong with you. To this, I say, get over yourself. You are just as deserving as anyone else on the planet no matter what has happened to you, what's going to happen to you, or how much other people need. You have needs too and it's natural and right to want to meet them. You won't be robbing anyone else. There's enough to go around.
Finally, to get what you want out of life you need to know how to and practice asking for it. You might limit your asking for fear of being seen as "needy." Or you might have been taught that it is "more blessed to give than to receive," so you are great at giving, but lousy at receiving. So, it's time to practice. Jack Canfield advises, ask for what you want in a way that assumes that you're going to get it. For example, when asking for a date, instead of asking, "You wouldn't want to go out with me to a movie on Saturday, would you?" try, "What time Saturday would you be available to go see a movie?" See the difference? The second way of asking assumes a "yes" and it's only a matter of negotiating the time. Practice writing out your requests in a positive way before asking.
In conclusion, my suggestions to those of you reading this article are to 1) figure out what you want, 2) assume what you want is available and possible (hint: if other people have or are doing what you want, it's possible) 3) practice asking for little things (like for change for a dollar from a clerk at Wal-Mart or for someone to help you rehearse how to ask for what you want), and 4) keep asking for what you want (find the right people to ask) until you get it.
Tell us about a time when you successfully asked for what you want and got it!
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
The theme I'd like to address today is not asking for what you want. To me, learning to ask directly and effectively for what you want is one of the joys and responsibilities of adulthood. As infants, it's more likely that our wants and needs were met without us having to ask, and were only limited by the resources and circumstances of the families and communities in which we were raised. If the limitations were severe, it's likely that after awhile you came to see the entire world as a place of limited resources. You might have concluded that either you were not entitled to what little was available to that there wasn't alot to get. "Why ask, if you're not going to get it anyhow?" may have become your overriding assumption and life script.
When people come for therapy, the first questions I ask are "what do you want?" or "what do you want out of life? " Sadly, these questions often stump people. They might muster up a desire to "be happy" or have "less stress." These vague responses suggest that part of their problem is that they haven't adequately addressed these very basic issues of taking full responsibility for their lives and acting as an agent on their own behalf. It could be that is because of an assumption that "this is just the way life is" or "this is just the way MY life is." Either way, I'm here to challenge that. By asking people to step outside of the box of their assumptions about themselves and what life has to offer, I've already started moving them towards a more empowered stance in life. When you can conceive of things being different or better, you're much more likely to ask for what you want and much more likely to get it than waiting and hoping that it will "just happen."
Let's look at some common barrier to asking for what you want. First, you don't ask for what you want because you don't know what you want, as discussed above. Sit down with a sheet of paper and start making a list of all the things you ever wanted or thought to want out of life. Don't censor or pause. Just start writing as fast a you can. Your list might include desires for love, money, family, career, travel, spiritual growth, friends, or leisure activities. Just let your imagination run wild. Post your list somewhere and review it regularly. Make a plan. Start asking for what you want. Start telling people of your wants and dreams.
Second, you might not ask for what you want because you automatically assume you won't get it or because you asked ONE TIME before and didn't get it. If you don't ever ask for what you want, you're guaranteed not to get it. Have you ever thought to yourself, "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want. If he/she loved me, they'd know." Phooey! This is an erroneous, outdated assumption that causes alot of problems between spouses/partners. Not having to ask for what you want only works for infants. Even then, the wail and cry until someone figures it out. Don't make others guess. Use your words. Ask repeatedly. Try, try again.
Third, you may not ask for what you want because you assume that it either isn't available or possible. This is like living with blinders on. How do you know until you ask? Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen, in their book about asking for what you want, The Aladdin Factor, say successful people "Ask, ask, ask!" Ask for what you want and keep asking until you find someone who can and will give you what you want.
Fourth, you may not ask for what you want because of low self-esteem. You may think that you are not worthy of good things or that other people's needs are more important than your own. You may think it's "selfish" to ask for what you want. Or you may fear that the reason you're not getting what you want out of life is because something deep and dark is wrong with you. To this, I say, get over yourself. You are just as deserving as anyone else on the planet no matter what has happened to you, what's going to happen to you, or how much other people need. You have needs too and it's natural and right to want to meet them. You won't be robbing anyone else. There's enough to go around.
Finally, to get what you want out of life you need to know how to and practice asking for it. You might limit your asking for fear of being seen as "needy." Or you might have been taught that it is "more blessed to give than to receive," so you are great at giving, but lousy at receiving. So, it's time to practice. Jack Canfield advises, ask for what you want in a way that assumes that you're going to get it. For example, when asking for a date, instead of asking, "You wouldn't want to go out with me to a movie on Saturday, would you?" try, "What time Saturday would you be available to go see a movie?" See the difference? The second way of asking assumes a "yes" and it's only a matter of negotiating the time. Practice writing out your requests in a positive way before asking.
In conclusion, my suggestions to those of you reading this article are to 1) figure out what you want, 2) assume what you want is available and possible (hint: if other people have or are doing what you want, it's possible) 3) practice asking for little things (like for change for a dollar from a clerk at Wal-Mart or for someone to help you rehearse how to ask for what you want), and 4) keep asking for what you want (find the right people to ask) until you get it.
Tell us about a time when you successfully asked for what you want and got it!
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 1
Most of us stress out when faced with an interpersonal conflict, whether it's at work or at home. Unfortunately, without guidance for effective conflict resolutions, we can act like....well, 2 year olds. We pout, whine, scream, blame call names, walk out or tune out, or worse...hit. As Confucius said," He who strikes the first blow admits he has run out of ideas." Plus, nothing is resolved this way.
So, I'd like to give you some ideas about effective conflict resolution, or what I like to call "interpersonal negotiation." First of all, if you are ambushed by an emotional reaction in the face of conflict, it is best to walk away, calm down, get some clarity, and figure out exactly what's upsetting you before talking to the other person(s) involved. You are much more likely to get what you want when you respond, not react. You are also much more likely to get what you want when you can define a "win-win" position, such that everyone comes away feeling good about the plan and decision.
I want to be clear that I'm not talking about compromise, but collaboration. Compromises don't really resolve anything permanently. They are a "win-lose" proposition. The best possible outcome for a conflict is when everyone feels like they came out the winner.
The first step to getting to that "win-win" position is to define the issue and the stakeholders in the issue. In other words, what's bugging youand who needs to be part of the resolution? This will allow you to gather the right people together for a discussion and to focus on one issue at a time.
The second step to getting an issue resolved is to get agreement to discuss it when all parties are free of distractions, rested, sober, and have set aside a defined block of time. I highly recommend setting a time limit on the discussion so that it doesn't become the interminable "talk" that goes on until 3am. If the issue isn't resolved within the time period, agree to set aside another block of time to continue or finish the discussion.
Third, if you are the person bringing up the concern or issue, break it down into its component parts for clarity. This will be helpful to you and to the person listening to your concern. It is much easier for someone to listen and stay calm when you are describing the various parts of an issue instead of screaming and name calling.
I find the categories used by Sheron Miller, Ph.D. in his Couple's Communication workshops to be very helpful. He says, any issue contains 5 component parts and that taking time to break it down makes it easier to communicate. He calls this part "Taking Care of Yourself" because your are owning up to all the aspects of the issue and defining what you want.
The five aspects or steps in clarifying an issue are:
1. Describe the sensory data - what you saw, heard and took in through your senses that relate to the issue
2. Identify the thoughts, interpretations, assumptions, or beliefs you formed as a result of what you saw and heard in #1
3. Share the feelings that you're having as a result of #2. Use feeling words, which are some variation of "sad, mad, glad, bad or scared."
4. Identify your wants about the issue, including what you want for yourself, for the other person and for all involved
5. Describe your past, present and possible future actions you've taken or could take to resolve the issue. Invite the other person(s) directly involved in the issue to brainstorm with you about actions you could take to obtain the "win-win" or desired outcome. This creates shared ownership of the solution.
Hint: Once you get to the part where you communicate clearly what you want for all involved, you've usually defined the "win-win" position. It might be"I want us to have a clear way to communicate our wants, needs and boundaries about affection to each other" or "I want us to have time together to keep our relationship vital and the spark alive" or "I want us to hone a way of making decisions about moneythat we both can live with."
In the second part of this article I will discuss the other half of the equation for effective conflict resolution or what Sheron Miller, Ph.D.called "Taking Care of the Other." That part is the use of active listening skills. I know of nothing more effective in diffusing upset in a difficult negotiation than being an excellent listener. It takes some skill and alot of practice, but it is certainly a skill worth honing.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
So, I'd like to give you some ideas about effective conflict resolution, or what I like to call "interpersonal negotiation." First of all, if you are ambushed by an emotional reaction in the face of conflict, it is best to walk away, calm down, get some clarity, and figure out exactly what's upsetting you before talking to the other person(s) involved. You are much more likely to get what you want when you respond, not react. You are also much more likely to get what you want when you can define a "win-win" position, such that everyone comes away feeling good about the plan and decision.
I want to be clear that I'm not talking about compromise, but collaboration. Compromises don't really resolve anything permanently. They are a "win-lose" proposition. The best possible outcome for a conflict is when everyone feels like they came out the winner.
The first step to getting to that "win-win" position is to define the issue and the stakeholders in the issue. In other words, what's bugging youand who needs to be part of the resolution? This will allow you to gather the right people together for a discussion and to focus on one issue at a time.
The second step to getting an issue resolved is to get agreement to discuss it when all parties are free of distractions, rested, sober, and have set aside a defined block of time. I highly recommend setting a time limit on the discussion so that it doesn't become the interminable "talk" that goes on until 3am. If the issue isn't resolved within the time period, agree to set aside another block of time to continue or finish the discussion.
Third, if you are the person bringing up the concern or issue, break it down into its component parts for clarity. This will be helpful to you and to the person listening to your concern. It is much easier for someone to listen and stay calm when you are describing the various parts of an issue instead of screaming and name calling.
I find the categories used by Sheron Miller, Ph.D. in his Couple's Communication workshops to be very helpful. He says, any issue contains 5 component parts and that taking time to break it down makes it easier to communicate. He calls this part "Taking Care of Yourself" because your are owning up to all the aspects of the issue and defining what you want.
The five aspects or steps in clarifying an issue are:
1. Describe the sensory data - what you saw, heard and took in through your senses that relate to the issue
2. Identify the thoughts, interpretations, assumptions, or beliefs you formed as a result of what you saw and heard in #1
3. Share the feelings that you're having as a result of #2. Use feeling words, which are some variation of "sad, mad, glad, bad or scared."
4. Identify your wants about the issue, including what you want for yourself, for the other person and for all involved
5. Describe your past, present and possible future actions you've taken or could take to resolve the issue. Invite the other person(s) directly involved in the issue to brainstorm with you about actions you could take to obtain the "win-win" or desired outcome. This creates shared ownership of the solution.
Hint: Once you get to the part where you communicate clearly what you want for all involved, you've usually defined the "win-win" position. It might be"I want us to have a clear way to communicate our wants, needs and boundaries about affection to each other" or "I want us to have time together to keep our relationship vital and the spark alive" or "I want us to hone a way of making decisions about moneythat we both can live with."
In the second part of this article I will discuss the other half of the equation for effective conflict resolution or what Sheron Miller, Ph.D.called "Taking Care of the Other." That part is the use of active listening skills. I know of nothing more effective in diffusing upset in a difficult negotiation than being an excellent listener. It takes some skill and alot of practice, but it is certainly a skill worth honing.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
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