You're Not the Boss of Me!

I am going to make a radical statement, which is: no one can control you unless you let them. You are always making choices about how to behave, react or respond to others’ behavior. Even in extreme circumstances, if someone has a gun to your head, you still have a choice about how to respond. The safest choice might be to give in temporarily to the demands of the other person to save your life, until you are free and safe again. Then you have another choice to make, which is whether to let a dangerous person have access to you again. Hopefully, most of us won’t ever experience this kind of extreme attempt to influence our behavior.

It is vital to be able to distinguish a request for a behavior change from intimidation. If the majority of requests from a spouse, partner, boss or coworker come with an implied or direct threat, then that is intimidating and should be so noted. Jokes about divorce, threats to your physical being or your children’s safety, firing or demoting you are not funny. They are intimidation tactics and are not to be tolerated.

Face it. We all make requests of others and attempt to influence their behavior because we want people to do what we ask of them. This is not unhealthy or controlling unless force, threat, violence or intimidation are involved. Think about it. We have a whole industry devoted to influencing our behavior. It is called Marketing and Advertising. Do you think of a TV commercial or radio ad as being “controlling”? After all, it is blatantly an attempt to influence your behavior.

On a lesser note, perhaps you have difficulty making choices for yourself or asserting what you really think, feel and want. Perhaps you say, “yes” when you mean, “no,” or “I don’t care where we go to eat” when you really DO have a preference. If this is the case, you are voluntarily giving up your right to have a say in what you do and letting the other person make the decision. If you find yourself resenting that you never get a say, you’d better start speaking up. You also need to figure out why you let others make decisions for you, leaving you to feel disempowered, victimized, resentful, or depressed.

So when your mate says wearily, “All I want is for the house to be clean when I come home” do you hear that as a demand? As an attempt to control you? Could it also be a simple request or the opening to a discussion of how to make that happen? Do you assume that there’s an implied threat in that statement, i.e., “I want the house clean when I come home or else I’ll leave you.” Or do you assume that what they are really saying is, “I want the house clean when I come home and I expect YOU to do it”? What if what it meant was, “I want the house clean when I come home, so I am willing to pay for a housekeeper to come in once a week to do it”? This is where it is important to respond to that statement with a request for clarification or negotiation. You may want that too, but also work full-time and come home exhausted. You will need to discuss this with your mate and figure out a way to make that happen that is satisfactory to both of you. When you speak up, ask for clarification, or negotiate a mutually satisfactory resolution, you are not a victim.

Perhaps you view the statements or requests of others as attempts to control you because you lack the confidence or skill at asserting your true needs, wants and feelings or you assume that when another person expresses a want or a feeling that it is your job automatically to do something about it. If you have a habit of always taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others without them having to ask, or of assuaging the upset feelings of others and not allowing them to develop their own way of calming or soothing themselves, you are not being respectful of them as adults. You are treating them like children and then wonder why they act like spoiled children when you grow tired of or resentful in this role.

Further, if you are the passive partner in a “controlling” relationship, you are also trying to influence the behavior of others. If you cannot gain power and influence directly, by stating your real thoughts, feelings and needs, another less direct way to assert power is by avoidance, passivity, moping, getting drunk or high, and withdrawal of love and affection. It’s a way of saying “no” without having to say it directly. This is not healthy adult interaction.

So whether you are actually involved in a violent or intimidating relationship or you simply lack the skills to say truthfully and directly what you think, feel, and want, it is up to you to understand that you have choices and to get help learning how to make them.

Everybody can learn to be more assertive in their communications. Try it and tell us how it worked!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 2

In Part 1 of this article, I talked about setting aside time to discuss a concern and ways to break it down into it's component parts. The goal of that was to have your concern better received and understood by the other person with whom you were in conflict.

This time, I will review the use of active listening skills, which is what the person receiving the concern can best do to help resolve the conflict. Nothing makes a conflict worse than when the other person is not actively listening or engaged. Here are 5 steps to not only demonstrate that you are listening, but to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

The 5 steps of active listening are:

1. Attending - This is mostly non-verbal. It means you are in the same room, with no distractions interfering (turn off the TV or computer) and in comfortable proximity to each other. It is demonstrated by an open and receptive body posture (no arms folded over your chest), making comfortable eye contact, and nodding to indicate you are listening.

2. Acknowledging - This includes both non-verbal and verbal behaviors, such as leaning slightly forward, some affectionate contact like patting the other person or holding their hand, and saying things like, "I see," "yes," "okay," "Uh hmmmm," or "Oh, I get it." Such statement are made in a warm or matter-of-fact tone.

3. Inviting - When the person expressing their concern seems lost for words or vague, you can say things to encourage them to go deeper or into more detail. Inviting statements sound like, "tell me more," "please go on," "what else?" or a simple "and?" Even simple silence can invite a person to go deeper into their thoughts or feelings. Learning to invite conversation is a great skill to have because it makes the other person feel safe and encouraged that their thoughts and feelings are important to you. Too many times, in conflict, I see where one person shuts the other one down and then complains that "he doesn't talk to me anymore!"

4. Summarizing - I call this one the "money piece" because when you learn to summarize accurately and effectively, the fight is more than half over. First of all, it isn't rude to interrupt someone who is long winded to summarize. If you are confused, this is also a good time to interrupt to summarize. It demonstrates like no other skill that you are listening, actively engaged and what your current level of understanding of their concern is. It's infinitely better to summarize than to simply (and defensively) say, "I understand!" To summarize simply means to paraphrase or put into your own words the essence of what the other person is thinking and/or feeling. You condense it down and reflect it back to them to demonstrate your understanding. Be careful not to add your own assumptions or interpretations into the mix. You can tell that you did, if the person gets angry or annoyed with you. You'll know when you hit the nail on the head with an accurate and effective summarization when the other person visibly relaxes and they say something like, "YES! That's it exactly. Now you know how I feel!"

5. Ask Open Questions - I leave this to the last because it is to be used minimally, not liberally. If you pepper someone with 20 questions, they will respond defensively or shut down. If you ask a question that only requires and "yes" or "no" response, you've lost alot of information. Better to invite them to say more about a detail than to ask a "yes/no" question. The appropriate use of open ended questions is to clarify a detail you didn't understand. Then ask, who? what? where? when and NEVER why? Why questions put people on the defensive and if it's an emotionally charged issue, they may answer in a way that you won't believe anyway.

In closing, these 5 steps of active listening can be used on any order. Often times after giving a summarization, for instance, you return to an inviting response to get the person talking again. The point of active listening is to communicate caring and understanding to the other person while they are expressing a concern. Once they feel that you fully and clearly understand their concern and feelings, it is much easier to move to the stage of brainstorming possible solutions. Plus, sometimes for the person expressing the concern, being heard and understood is enough. You don't need to agree with someone's perspective in order to understand and validate it for them.

In my workshops, I pair people up to talk and listen to each other on one topic for 3 minutes. What I find consistently is that 3 minutes is more than enough for someone to say all they have to say about anything!

Who listens well to you? What makes them a good listener?

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681

The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 1

Most of us stress out when faced with an interpersonal conflict, whether it's at work or at home. Unfortunately, without guidance for effective conflict resolutions, we can act like....well, 2 year olds. We pout, whine, scream, blame call names, walk out or tune out, or worse...hit. As Confucius said," He who strikes the first blow admits he has run out of ideas." Plus, nothing is resolved this way.

So, I'd like to give you some ideas about effective conflict resolution, or what I like to call "interpersonal negotiation." First of all, if you are ambushed by an emotional reaction in the face of conflict, it is best to walk away, calm down, get some clarity, and figure out exactly what's upsetting you before talking to the other person(s) involved. You are much more likely to get what you want when you respond, not react. You are also much more likely to get what you want when you can define a "win-win" position, such that everyone comes away feeling good about the plan and decision.

I want to be clear that I'm not talking about compromise, but collaboration. Compromises don't really resolve anything permanently. They are a "win-lose" proposition. The best possible outcome for a conflict is when everyone feels like they came out the winner.

The first step to getting to that "win-win" position is to define the issue and the stakeholders in the issue. In other words, what's bugging youand who needs to be part of the resolution? This will allow you to gather the right people together for a discussion and to focus on one issue at a time.

The second step to getting an issue resolved is to get agreement to discuss it when all parties are free of distractions, rested, sober, and have set aside a defined block of time. I highly recommend setting a time limit on the discussion so that it doesn't become the interminable "talk" that goes on until 3am. If the issue isn't resolved within the time period, agree to set aside another block of time to continue or finish the discussion.

Third, if you are the person bringing up the concern or issue, break it down into its component parts for clarity. This will be helpful to you and to the person listening to your concern. It is much easier for someone to listen and stay calm when you are describing the various parts of an issue instead of screaming and name calling.

I find the categories used by Sheron Miller, Ph.D. in his Couple's Communication workshops to be very helpful. He says, any issue contains 5 component parts and that taking time to break it down makes it easier to communicate. He calls this part "Taking Care of Yourself" because your are owning up to all the aspects of the issue and defining what you want.

The five aspects or steps in clarifying an issue are:
1. Describe the sensory data - what you saw, heard and took in through your senses that relate to the issue

2. Identify the thoughts, interpretations, assumptions, or beliefs you formed as a result of what you saw and heard in #1

3. Share the feelings that you're having as a result of #2. Use feeling words, which are some variation of "sad, mad, glad, bad or scared."

4. Identify your wants about the issue, including what you want for yourself, for the other person and for all involved

5. Describe your past, present and possible future actions you've taken or could take to resolve the issue. Invite the other person(s) directly involved in the issue to brainstorm with you about actions you could take to obtain the "win-win" or desired outcome. This creates shared ownership of the solution.

Hint: Once you get to the part where you communicate clearly what you want for all involved, you've usually defined the "win-win" position. It might be"I want us to have a clear way to communicate our wants, needs and boundaries about affection to each other" or "I want us to have time together to keep our relationship vital and the spark alive" or "I want us to hone a way of making decisions about moneythat we both can live with."

In the second part of this article I will discuss the other half of the equation for effective conflict resolution or what Sheron Miller, Ph.D.called "Taking Care of the Other." That part is the use of active listening skills. I know of nothing more effective in diffusing upset in a difficult negotiation than being an excellent listener. It takes some skill and alot of practice, but it is certainly a skill worth honing.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681