Why do we always look for someone or something to blame when we are hurt, upset or frustrated? Why is laying fault the first thing on someone's mind when bad things happen? Does there always have to be an aggressor and a victim in every interaction that doesn't go the way one or the other party wants it to? Is retribution the best response to harm or hurt? (It seems to me this could apply both to individual persons, as well as entire nations.)
If we could get inside the mind of someone who constantly blames others (whether they are the aggressor or the victim) this might be the unconscious thought process: "I blame you for my choices and deny that I had other options or choices to make. I am going to react and get rid of this awful feeling as quickly as I can. I don't want to acknowledge that I had my part in making this situation go poorly. I don't want to look at my own behavior or own the negative results I get in life. I want to find fault and blame someone else because I don't want to feel bad about myself or have to make difficult changes or face my fears. I don't want to look at the fact that my behavior has hurt other contributed to my own hurt. I want to say, ‘you made me do it!’
So, I will blame you or circumstances for my drinking, overeating, rages, hitting, infidelity, and lying. I justify it to myself by saying, 'If only you wouldn't have done ________, I wouldn't have done what I did. Look what you made me do!'
In my worldview, retaliation for hurt or harm is justifiable. I don't acknowledge that I am hurt and seek solace, comfort or understanding. Maybe I don't know how. Maybe I see that as weak. Nor do I seek to negotiate for a more satisfying outcome, talk to you about how your behavior has affected me, or courageously remove myself from a toxic situation. Instead I blame you and feel like a helpless victim. I label you as "lazy, unloving, irritating, frigid, weak, irresponsible, evil, unfit, stupid, or crazy." I cover up and attempt to assuage my hurt or fear with violence, self-righteous anger, or self-defeating behaviors, instead of forgiveness, understanding or assertiveness.
I wear my victim stature outwardly. I protest is loudly to my friends and family, seeking their sympathy, asking them to choose sides against you and agree with me that you are bad, that YOU are to blame. Everybody thinks I am a saint (except those who secretly think I'm a fool) for putting up with this!”
As I write this I am keenly aware that everybody loses in this kind of interaction. There is no accountability, no responsibility, no integrity. In the “blame game” it becomes difficult to tell the aggressors from the victims after awhile, as both are pointing fingers at the other and saying, “she/he did that to me! Everybody feel sorry for me!” Without personal accountability and responsibility, without stopping to consider how your actions contributed to the unsatisfactory outcome you’re experiencing, where that’s the bombing of the World Trade Center or the fact that you just bounced another check in the family checkbook, the cycle just continues. There’s no stopping it until someone takes responsibility for their behavior and says, “Yes, this part was my doing. I did that to you because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t’ want to look at myself and acknowledge my hurt, fear, frustration or my incorrect assumptions. I didn’t want to take the time to listen and respond after some consideration of your side. I just reacted.
Seems to me if we all did this, there's be alot more peace in the world!
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.
Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
Oct 23, 2008
Sep 21, 2008
No Guarantees
When we are struggling to make a decision about something important that will affect the course of our lives, wouldn't it be great to have a guarantee that everything will work out the way we hoped? I often wish that a deep voice would boom down from the heavens telling me exactly what I should do....the RIGHT thing to do. No such luck! The most I can count on to guide my decision-making is that "still small voice" inside me which insists, "Push the envelop. Go for the gusto. Reach for your dreams. Experiment with life. See what might happen." Sometimes I wish that little voice would shut up or I pretend I'm hard of hearing or otherwise occupied!
Making decisions is hard. Implementing them is sometimes harder. It upsets the apple cart. It ushers in change. When I hear people say that they "hate" change, I suspect what they mean is either they "hate" a change that THEY didn't choose, or that change scares them, makes them feel inadequate, or taxes their ability to cope. I don't hate change. I hate waiting to see how things will turn out once I make a decision. I'm impatient. I have to learn to take action and let go of the outcome.
So we should get a guarantee on the front end, right? No way. If everything turned out the way we hoped it would, we'd never learn anything new, never gain new skills and abilities, and never meet new challenges that will grow our confidence.
Yes, it's stressful to change, but change is a fact of life. We can either roll with life's punches, only reacting to what life throws our way - bobbing and weaving in an attempt to stay out of reach of real danger - or we can set our own course and respond to the winds of change by making calculated adjustments as we go. Do you react to life or respond to it?
Life is calling. What will your answer be? What are you being called to do or be in this life? In Greg Levoy's book, Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, he says, "Our own unfolding requires that we be in constant dialogue with it." He goes on to discuss the importance of discernment, which he says is a path between these two questions: "What is right for me?" and "Where am I willilng to be led?"
Such ponderings may bring up questions of meaning. "What does my life mean? What do I want it to mean? Does life have any meaning?" The famed mythologist, Joseph Campbell said,"People say that what we are all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we are really seeking. I think what we are seeking is the experience of being alive...the rapture of being alive." Wow! If Emerson was right, that the mass of men lead lives of silent despair, then who among us has the courage to break out of that and seek the rapture of being alive? To do so we have to be willing to wake up to the state of our lives, assess where we want to go, figure out where our passions are and make the changes necessary to get there.
Passion? That ought to be fun. Well, not always. Passion is derived from the Latin word, passio, which means suffering. According to Levoy, the reason most of us don't pursue our dreams is because we instinctively know the price we'll have to pay to do so. Following one's passion could be like opening Pandora's box. It can release all sorts of trouble into your life. However, the last thing that is released into the world from Pandora's box is what we all need in life.....hope!
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
Making decisions is hard. Implementing them is sometimes harder. It upsets the apple cart. It ushers in change. When I hear people say that they "hate" change, I suspect what they mean is either they "hate" a change that THEY didn't choose, or that change scares them, makes them feel inadequate, or taxes their ability to cope. I don't hate change. I hate waiting to see how things will turn out once I make a decision. I'm impatient. I have to learn to take action and let go of the outcome.
So we should get a guarantee on the front end, right? No way. If everything turned out the way we hoped it would, we'd never learn anything new, never gain new skills and abilities, and never meet new challenges that will grow our confidence.
Yes, it's stressful to change, but change is a fact of life. We can either roll with life's punches, only reacting to what life throws our way - bobbing and weaving in an attempt to stay out of reach of real danger - or we can set our own course and respond to the winds of change by making calculated adjustments as we go. Do you react to life or respond to it?
Life is calling. What will your answer be? What are you being called to do or be in this life? In Greg Levoy's book, Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, he says, "Our own unfolding requires that we be in constant dialogue with it." He goes on to discuss the importance of discernment, which he says is a path between these two questions: "What is right for me?" and "Where am I willilng to be led?"
Such ponderings may bring up questions of meaning. "What does my life mean? What do I want it to mean? Does life have any meaning?" The famed mythologist, Joseph Campbell said,"People say that what we are all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we are really seeking. I think what we are seeking is the experience of being alive...the rapture of being alive." Wow! If Emerson was right, that the mass of men lead lives of silent despair, then who among us has the courage to break out of that and seek the rapture of being alive? To do so we have to be willing to wake up to the state of our lives, assess where we want to go, figure out where our passions are and make the changes necessary to get there.
Passion? That ought to be fun. Well, not always. Passion is derived from the Latin word, passio, which means suffering. According to Levoy, the reason most of us don't pursue our dreams is because we instinctively know the price we'll have to pay to do so. Following one's passion could be like opening Pandora's box. It can release all sorts of trouble into your life. However, the last thing that is released into the world from Pandora's box is what we all need in life.....hope!
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
Aug 11, 2008
Change Your Mind, Change Your Game
On Saturday Night Live a few years ago, there was a character named Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken, who closed his skit each time with the affirmations, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!" The audience would ripple with laughter.
Although all the success books talk about using affirmations to increase positive thinking, most of us don't follow through with the standard protocol needed to make affirmations work. Why? I suspect that there are a couple of reasons; 1) because most people don't know how to create proper affirmations and 2) there is a natural resistance that makes practicing affirmations feel uncomfortable or downright ridiculous. No one wants to continue doing something that makes them uncomfortable. In other words we mentally resist changing how we think of ourselves and what's possible in our lives. Old habits die hard and they put up a fight first!
As a therapist, I've not been a fan of affirmations because my clients were heavily resistant to doing them. It was hard for me to "sell" them on the ideas because I was ambivalent about them myself until I learned EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). For those of you who've read my column regularly, you know that EFT is a form of psychological acupressure, used to remove negative emotional states, such as fear, anxiety, anger, shame and guilt. I think of it as an "erasure" for negative feelings, stress and tension.
One of the things that EFT does is remove psychological resistance to new ideas, so I decided to try an experiment. I wanted to test to see if I could use EFT to "install" positive beliefs using affirmations. As with many techniques I recommend to clients, I try them out myself first. So I made a list of about 20 affirmations that I didn't currently believe. I also threw in a few that I never thought I'd believe, like, "Large sums of money come to me quickly and easily." I recorded all of these affirmations and burned a CD, so I could play them in the car. As I began repeating the affirmations, I used the EFT tapping to remove any psychological resistance to accepting the positive thoughts.
Now, here's where it gets wild. Within only a few weeks of occasional use of the CD and EFT combination, I noticed that I truly accepted about 85% of the new beliefs. That was amazing to me. And, it gets better! Things started to manifest.
Out of the blue, several thousand dollars came to me in the form of an unexpected inheritance and a couple of refund checks from insurance carriers. This past spring I signed a contract with a single client in my other business for twice the money that I usually make in an entire year from all my clients in that business. Although these results seem miraculous, this is what is predicted to happen when you change your thoughts and expectations about what is possible. My test was a huge success.
Here's the most recent experiment I tried using EFT to create positive expectations and positive results. I've never been on a golf course in my life and only held a golf club in my hand once before -- on a putt-putt golf course. Last weekend I was at a networking meeting that combined a luncheon and a golf lesson afterwards. Since I knew the power of EFT to assist athletes improve their performance in almost any sport, I decided to do alittle EFT tapping before my golf lesson. I focused on removing my nervousness and neutralized the fear that I wouldn't be able to chip well and would end up looking like a fool.
After the pro showed me how to hold the club, take my stance, address the ball and follow through to chip from the rough onto the green, I started chipping. No, lie....3 balls hit the flag. The majority of the rest were within 6 inches of the cup. Not having golfed before, I watched the shots and listened to the comments of those players who did. I heard a flurry of frustrations, comments about the club and the effects of the heat on their concentration. Their shots were all over the place.
In my mind, I was having a great time because after each shot, I thought, "that was good. The next will be better." I'd correct my stance and swing and off we'd go. Before I used the EFT I wanted just to avoid embarrassment. Afterwards I was thinking, "what a fun game!" and looking forward to my next lesson. That was another miracle to me. I am eager to work with other athletes using EFT to improve their mental game.
10 Golfers Wanted! Do you want to knock strokes off your golf game? Participate in our FREE study. Learn to relax and remove self-doubt in your game using EFT. Call 618-549-5935 to sign up.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
Although all the success books talk about using affirmations to increase positive thinking, most of us don't follow through with the standard protocol needed to make affirmations work. Why? I suspect that there are a couple of reasons; 1) because most people don't know how to create proper affirmations and 2) there is a natural resistance that makes practicing affirmations feel uncomfortable or downright ridiculous. No one wants to continue doing something that makes them uncomfortable. In other words we mentally resist changing how we think of ourselves and what's possible in our lives. Old habits die hard and they put up a fight first!
As a therapist, I've not been a fan of affirmations because my clients were heavily resistant to doing them. It was hard for me to "sell" them on the ideas because I was ambivalent about them myself until I learned EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). For those of you who've read my column regularly, you know that EFT is a form of psychological acupressure, used to remove negative emotional states, such as fear, anxiety, anger, shame and guilt. I think of it as an "erasure" for negative feelings, stress and tension.
One of the things that EFT does is remove psychological resistance to new ideas, so I decided to try an experiment. I wanted to test to see if I could use EFT to "install" positive beliefs using affirmations. As with many techniques I recommend to clients, I try them out myself first. So I made a list of about 20 affirmations that I didn't currently believe. I also threw in a few that I never thought I'd believe, like, "Large sums of money come to me quickly and easily." I recorded all of these affirmations and burned a CD, so I could play them in the car. As I began repeating the affirmations, I used the EFT tapping to remove any psychological resistance to accepting the positive thoughts.
Now, here's where it gets wild. Within only a few weeks of occasional use of the CD and EFT combination, I noticed that I truly accepted about 85% of the new beliefs. That was amazing to me. And, it gets better! Things started to manifest.
Out of the blue, several thousand dollars came to me in the form of an unexpected inheritance and a couple of refund checks from insurance carriers. This past spring I signed a contract with a single client in my other business for twice the money that I usually make in an entire year from all my clients in that business. Although these results seem miraculous, this is what is predicted to happen when you change your thoughts and expectations about what is possible. My test was a huge success.
Here's the most recent experiment I tried using EFT to create positive expectations and positive results. I've never been on a golf course in my life and only held a golf club in my hand once before -- on a putt-putt golf course. Last weekend I was at a networking meeting that combined a luncheon and a golf lesson afterwards. Since I knew the power of EFT to assist athletes improve their performance in almost any sport, I decided to do alittle EFT tapping before my golf lesson. I focused on removing my nervousness and neutralized the fear that I wouldn't be able to chip well and would end up looking like a fool.
After the pro showed me how to hold the club, take my stance, address the ball and follow through to chip from the rough onto the green, I started chipping. No, lie....3 balls hit the flag. The majority of the rest were within 6 inches of the cup. Not having golfed before, I watched the shots and listened to the comments of those players who did. I heard a flurry of frustrations, comments about the club and the effects of the heat on their concentration. Their shots were all over the place.
In my mind, I was having a great time because after each shot, I thought, "that was good. The next will be better." I'd correct my stance and swing and off we'd go. Before I used the EFT I wanted just to avoid embarrassment. Afterwards I was thinking, "what a fun game!" and looking forward to my next lesson. That was another miracle to me. I am eager to work with other athletes using EFT to improve their mental game.
10 Golfers Wanted! Do you want to knock strokes off your golf game? Participate in our FREE study. Learn to relax and remove self-doubt in your game using EFT. Call 618-549-5935 to sign up.
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681
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