The Perils of People Pleasing

Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel guilty or “selfish” when saying, “no” to other’s requests? Do you put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own in the hopes that they will like you or they will put your needs as their top priority? Do you worry about hurting other people’s feelings if you cannot do what they want you to do? If so, you are a people pleaser and are probably on the way to depression, anxiety, or resentment.

Eleanor Roosevelt was once quoted as saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If you are a people pleaser, it’s likely you struggle with low self-esteem. If you will inconvenience yourself to try to please others, you don’t value your own goals and priorities. If you don’t respect the use of your own time, no one else will either.

I’ve said it before, but it bears saying again: ‘No’ is the most powerful word in the human language. When you can comfortably say, “No” to requests for your time, energy, ideas, and money, you gain the respect of others because you respect yourself and have good boundaries.
You are not a people pleaser when you have a solid “No” and a solid “Yes.” What I mean by that is that you can stick to your guns and hold to your “Yes” or “No.” When you can’t yet say, “No” comfortably, there’s no joy in the giving. Eventually you will feel burdened and resentful of the responsibilities you’ve taken on. You may want to blame or be angry at the other person who pressed you for your help, but you really did this to yourself. No one held a gun to your head when asking you to bake cookies for the church bake sale or coach the Little League again this year. Sure, they may have used flattery, i.e. “but you’re so GOOD at this!” Or, they may have used guilt, i.e. “but there’s NOBODY else to do this!”

Rather than succumb to the pressures of flattery or guilt, you could practice saying “No” gracefully. To flattery, you might respond, “Yes, you’re right. I am good at this; however, I want to give someone else an opportunity to shine while I take on other challenges.” To guilt, you might respond, “I know you’ve come to rely on me, and I am sure that when I step aside someone else, equally as capable, will step up to the challenge. Have you thought of asking _____________?” Or, if someone just makes a straightforward request, but it’s at a time that’s inconvenient for you, you might respond, “I’d love to help, but this is not a good time for me, as I already have plans.” And, if you are not busy and you just don’t want to comply with a request, you could always say, “I know you need help, but I am unable to help at this time.” PERIOD. You don’t need to make something up to justify when you don’t want to help. Not wanting to is reason enough. If they press you as to why you can’t help them, you can just repeat yourself, “I’m sorry, but I cannot help you.”

If you are a people pleaser and you say “Yes” to a request, when the resentment builds up because you said “Yes” when you wanted to say, “No,” you don’t have a solid “Yes.” To cope, you may back out of your commitment at the last minute, do something passive-aggressive, like “forget,” or fulfill the request, but do so while being in a bad mood or do so poorly. It is better to have a solid “Yes” and “No” on the front end than end up disappointing people or appearing unreliable.

The other thing I want to say about people pleasing is that when we are sacrificing our own needs for those of others, that is NOT love. It is co-dependence. Putting others first at the continual expense of ourselves is not good for us. Giving to others, when it is not returned or reciprocated, is not a healthy relationship. It is servitude. There I said it!

Yes, of course, we want to please the people we love and who love us in return. However, when you are giving to others out of love, giving becomes receiving. It is not motivated by a desire to “give to get.” Giving in this way is a true gift and requires no reciprocation. The joy in giving comes both from a sense of abundance, of having lots to share, and the joy in the pleasure it will give the other. You are both enhanced and fulfilled by the giving.

Who do you really need to please in life? Hint: YOU!!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
1-877-549-7681