The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 1

Most of us stress out when faced with an interpersonal conflict, whether it's at work or at home. Unfortunately, without guidance for effective conflict resolutions, we can act like....well, 2 year olds. We pout, whine, scream, blame call names, walk out or tune out, or worse...hit. As Confucius said," He who strikes the first blow admits he has run out of ideas." Plus, nothing is resolved this way.

So, I'd like to give you some ideas about effective conflict resolution, or what I like to call "interpersonal negotiation." First of all, if you are ambushed by an emotional reaction in the face of conflict, it is best to walk away, calm down, get some clarity, and figure out exactly what's upsetting you before talking to the other person(s) involved. You are much more likely to get what you want when you respond, not react. You are also much more likely to get what you want when you can define a "win-win" position, such that everyone comes away feeling good about the plan and decision.

I want to be clear that I'm not talking about compromise, but collaboration. Compromises don't really resolve anything permanently. They are a "win-lose" proposition. The best possible outcome for a conflict is when everyone feels like they came out the winner.

The first step to getting to that "win-win" position is to define the issue and the stakeholders in the issue. In other words, what's bugging youand who needs to be part of the resolution? This will allow you to gather the right people together for a discussion and to focus on one issue at a time.

The second step to getting an issue resolved is to get agreement to discuss it when all parties are free of distractions, rested, sober, and have set aside a defined block of time. I highly recommend setting a time limit on the discussion so that it doesn't become the interminable "talk" that goes on until 3am. If the issue isn't resolved within the time period, agree to set aside another block of time to continue or finish the discussion.

Third, if you are the person bringing up the concern or issue, break it down into its component parts for clarity. This will be helpful to you and to the person listening to your concern. It is much easier for someone to listen and stay calm when you are describing the various parts of an issue instead of screaming and name calling.

I find the categories used by Sheron Miller, Ph.D. in his Couple's Communication workshops to be very helpful. He says, any issue contains 5 component parts and that taking time to break it down makes it easier to communicate. He calls this part "Taking Care of Yourself" because your are owning up to all the aspects of the issue and defining what you want.

The five aspects or steps in clarifying an issue are:
1. Describe the sensory data - what you saw, heard and took in through your senses that relate to the issue

2. Identify the thoughts, interpretations, assumptions, or beliefs you formed as a result of what you saw and heard in #1

3. Share the feelings that you're having as a result of #2. Use feeling words, which are some variation of "sad, mad, glad, bad or scared."

4. Identify your wants about the issue, including what you want for yourself, for the other person and for all involved

5. Describe your past, present and possible future actions you've taken or could take to resolve the issue. Invite the other person(s) directly involved in the issue to brainstorm with you about actions you could take to obtain the "win-win" or desired outcome. This creates shared ownership of the solution.

Hint: Once you get to the part where you communicate clearly what you want for all involved, you've usually defined the "win-win" position. It might be"I want us to have a clear way to communicate our wants, needs and boundaries about affection to each other" or "I want us to have time together to keep our relationship vital and the spark alive" or "I want us to hone a way of making decisions about moneythat we both can live with."

In the second part of this article I will discuss the other half of the equation for effective conflict resolution or what Sheron Miller, Ph.D.called "Taking Care of the Other." That part is the use of active listening skills. I know of nothing more effective in diffusing upset in a difficult negotiation than being an excellent listener. It takes some skill and alot of practice, but it is certainly a skill worth honing.

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
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