You're Not the Boss of Me!

I am going to make a radical statement, which is: no one can control you unless you let them. You are always making choices about how to behave, react or respond to others’ behavior. Even in extreme circumstances, if someone has a gun to your head, you still have a choice about how to respond. The safest choice might be to give in temporarily to the demands of the other person to save your life, until you are free and safe again. Then you have another choice to make, which is whether to let a dangerous person have access to you again. Hopefully, most of us won’t ever experience this kind of extreme attempt to influence our behavior.

It is vital to be able to distinguish a request for a behavior change from intimidation. If the majority of requests from a spouse, partner, boss or coworker come with an implied or direct threat, then that is intimidating and should be so noted. Jokes about divorce, threats to your physical being or your children’s safety, firing or demoting you are not funny. They are intimidation tactics and are not to be tolerated.

Face it. We all make requests of others and attempt to influence their behavior because we want people to do what we ask of them. This is not unhealthy or controlling unless force, threat, violence or intimidation are involved. Think about it. We have a whole industry devoted to influencing our behavior. It is called Marketing and Advertising. Do you think of a TV commercial or radio ad as being “controlling”? After all, it is blatantly an attempt to influence your behavior.

On a lesser note, perhaps you have difficulty making choices for yourself or asserting what you really think, feel and want. Perhaps you say, “yes” when you mean, “no,” or “I don’t care where we go to eat” when you really DO have a preference. If this is the case, you are voluntarily giving up your right to have a say in what you do and letting the other person make the decision. If you find yourself resenting that you never get a say, you’d better start speaking up. You also need to figure out why you let others make decisions for you, leaving you to feel disempowered, victimized, resentful, or depressed.

So when your mate says wearily, “All I want is for the house to be clean when I come home” do you hear that as a demand? As an attempt to control you? Could it also be a simple request or the opening to a discussion of how to make that happen? Do you assume that there’s an implied threat in that statement, i.e., “I want the house clean when I come home or else I’ll leave you.” Or do you assume that what they are really saying is, “I want the house clean when I come home and I expect YOU to do it”? What if what it meant was, “I want the house clean when I come home, so I am willing to pay for a housekeeper to come in once a week to do it”? This is where it is important to respond to that statement with a request for clarification or negotiation. You may want that too, but also work full-time and come home exhausted. You will need to discuss this with your mate and figure out a way to make that happen that is satisfactory to both of you. When you speak up, ask for clarification, or negotiate a mutually satisfactory resolution, you are not a victim.

Perhaps you view the statements or requests of others as attempts to control you because you lack the confidence or skill at asserting your true needs, wants and feelings or you assume that when another person expresses a want or a feeling that it is your job automatically to do something about it. If you have a habit of always taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others without them having to ask, or of assuaging the upset feelings of others and not allowing them to develop their own way of calming or soothing themselves, you are not being respectful of them as adults. You are treating them like children and then wonder why they act like spoiled children when you grow tired of or resentful in this role.

Further, if you are the passive partner in a “controlling” relationship, you are also trying to influence the behavior of others. If you cannot gain power and influence directly, by stating your real thoughts, feelings and needs, another less direct way to assert power is by avoidance, passivity, moping, getting drunk or high, and withdrawal of love and affection. It’s a way of saying “no” without having to say it directly. This is not healthy adult interaction.

So whether you are actually involved in a violent or intimidating relationship or you simply lack the skills to say truthfully and directly what you think, feel, and want, it is up to you to understand that you have choices and to get help learning how to make them.

Everybody can learn to be more assertive in their communications. Try it and tell us how it worked!

Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. - Corporate Trainer and Motivational Speaker
EnterTraining Seminars: "We Learn You Good!"
Peak Performance, Stress in the Workplace, Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
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